October Horrorshow: The Rig

Bonus Horrorshow! Two in one day! Because I can’t stop watching horror flicks in October, even when I have all my reviews written in advance, I bring my Loyal Seven readers another entry in the October Horrorshow.

What a putrid mess. This movie has been taunting me on iTunes for well over a year. I see a description of a movie about a monster stalking people aboard an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico during a hurricane and I am into that shit. But make said film unavailable for rent, make it for purchase only…no way. Oh, man, I should have let this one go.

The Rig has been lurking in my shitty movie consciousness. I’ve been waiting patiently, like a snow leopard stalking a hare in the depths of winter. This shitty movie has been out there, and while the immediate costs have been too high, I knew it was only a matter of time before the prey would be mine.

Thank goodness for Netflix. It ain’t perfect, and the streaming service is woefully devoid of titles, but Netflix has The Rig, which means I didn’t have to steal it. I saw The Rig. And because I did, you don’t have to. Yeah, it’s that type of movie.

From 2010, The Rig is a woeful piece of shit about an oil platform that is invaded by a monster that looks like a more murderous version of the Creature From the Black Lagoon. There’s not much more to say. This film lacks depth, meaning, talent, and anything else a viewer could expect from any film, no matter the genre. This is a shit film that tries to disguise itself as a theatrical release, but rarely manages to rise above the type of tripe Dean Cain has been forced to act in during the last decade, probably to pay for his mortgage. The Rig is better than an Asylum flick, but barely.

Hell, an Asylum flick is at least aware of what it is. The Asylum people know their films are total shit. I think some people may have been legitimately trying to make a good movie with The Rig, and I am therefore as equally horrified as I am sympathetic.

The Rig sucks. How bad is it? In the time it takes me to write the words ‘Alien: Resurrection is a better film than The Rig‘; that is, about eight seconds, fourteen people on this earth have died. Fourteen people that I hope that have passed from this earth never having seen The Rig. I, unfortunately, will never be among their number.