Empty Balcony: Braven

From Canada comes a movie that should give red-hatters down here in the States hard-ons. Braven, directed by Hollywood stunt coordinator Lin Oeding and written by Thomas Pa’a Sibbett and Mike Nilon, follows the titular character (Jason Momoa) as he lays waste to a group of evil drug dealers attacking his mountain cabin.

Joe Braven lives a pretty decent life up in rural Nova Scotia. He owns a logging company; has a hot wife, Stephanie (Jill Wagner); a precocious daughter, Charlotte (Sasha Rossof); two homes, and a pickup truck. The only problem in his life, and it’s a big one, is his father, Linden (Stephen Lang), who is slipping into dementia. Continue reading “Empty Balcony: Braven”

Shitty Movie Sundays: 10 to Midnight

What’s more frightening than a serial killer who stalks and preys on young women? A naked serial killer who stalks and preys on young women, that’s what!

Such is the premise behind 10 to Midnight. From 1983, 10 to Midnight was directed by J. Lee Thompson from a screenplay by William Roberts. Frequent Thompson collaborator Charles Bronson stars as LAPD Detective Leo Kessler. When a filmmaker needed an aging tough guy to star in his thriller in the 1970s or ’80s, they couldn’t go wrong with Bronson. To give an idea of the type of actor he was, Liam Neeson currently fills the niche once occupied by Bronson. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: 10 to Midnight”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Cyborg X, or, Press the Damn Button Already!

This shitty flick is a bit of a throwback. If it had not been for the bargain basement CGI, this flick could be mistaken by the shitty movie fan for something from the 1980s or the early 1990s. It has that feel.

From writer/director Kevin King, Cyborg X takes place in the aftermath of a war in which a sentient AI has wiped out most of the people on the planet. Think the Terminator movies, if all the scenes took place in the future and there was none of that time travel nonsense. In fact, this movie lives and dies on the ideas that it ripped from James Cameron, and that’s just fine. The first shot of this film is of such low-quality CGI that it lets the viewer know to dismiss any positive expectations they might have had. Who cares if the rest of it is a ripoff? Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Cyborg X, or, Press the Damn Button Already!”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Enter the Ninja, or, The Colonials are Having a Tiff

Enter the Ninja, the 1981 karate flick from legendary producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, is just about the quintessential movie from The Cannon Group, Golan-Globus’s company. Cannon is synonymous with shitty cinema, alongside other giants as Roger Corman’s New World Pictures, American International Pictures, and Dino De Laurentiis. Like these examples, not everything Cannon made was shit, but enough was for the reputation to be deserved. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Enter the Ninja, or, The Colonials are Having a Tiff”

A New Shitty Standard

From humble beginnings back in 2008, to a feature that now dominates this website, film reviews on Missile Test have always been for fun. When it comes to film, nothing has been more fun for me than horror flicks, but a close second, and often intertwined, are shitty movies. I can’t get enough bad cinema. True ineptness, without intent, makes for a more enjoyable movie to watch, for me, than high art that is a slog to get through. I love and enjoy great film, but I enjoy low art much more. Continue reading “A New Shitty Standard”

Empty Balcony: True Grit (1969)

True Grit, one of John Wayne’s most celebrated westerns, was released in 1969. The day it was released, it was already somewhat of an anachronism. The ’60s saw the western genre embrace more depth in its storytelling, something that was already common in many other genres. Before True Grit, there was the trilogy of films by Sergio Leone featuring Clint Eastwood as the man with no name. Just a week after True Grit was released, Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch hit theaters. The western has rarely been a genre that strived for realism, but the violence of The Wild Bunch was a direct challenge to a film like True Grit, where violence and death are done by rote, removing much emotional punch. Continue reading “Empty Balcony: True Grit (1969)”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Bone Dry

We all have egos, right? There’s no use in pretending that we don’t. Personal and professional relationships can be thought of as a constant battle between our egos and our desire for successful interactions. In other words, not being a dick is learned behavior. I thought of this at the end of Bone Dry, a neo-noir flick released in 2007. That’s because right after the final shot of the film, the credits begin, and they read, “A Brett A. Hart Vision.” Oh, please. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Bone Dry”