Stallone Month: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

Seriously, this is a trailer for an actual movie.

What a putrid movie. I was going to skip this movie for Stallone Month in favor of one of Sly’s straight action flicks. But, after I saw the trailer, I decided this movie had to be included. Missile Test has a jones for shitty movies, after all. And this might be the shittiest movie Sylvester Stallone has ever appeared in, including Death Race 2000. Continue readingStallone Month: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”

Schwarzenegger Month: Junior

Sometimes, being typecast isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It was typecasting that brought audiences a decade of classic action films from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Breaking out of that mold brought more financial success, to be sure, but crossover Arnold never felt like the real thing. He felt sanitized for mass consumption. This is an oversimplification, of course, but the Arnold that was in Junior, the anonymous and final film he worked on with director Ivan Reitman, could not have been more out of place. Continue readingSchwarzenegger Month: Junior”

Schwarzenegger Month: Kindergarten Cop

Sometimes, the toughest thing when writing about film is being impartial. Not every film a reviewer watches fits into their tastes or what moves them, but that does not mean a film is bad, or that it can be simply dismissed. The immediate, visceral reaction that one has to a film is only one factor that must be considered in deciding whether or not it is any good. For me, personally, there is no greater film kryptonite than a family flick. Even when I was a kid I could barely tolerate a family flick. Anything that tries so hard to be inoffensive, that so consciously tries to remove any edge or soul that is has, that appeals to the softest parts of all of us, is a whitewashing of the human experience, a greater fantasy than anything with dragons and orcs in it. Nobody, and I mean nobody, smiles as much as the suburban American zombies that inhabit family films. I don’t know why the idea of wholesomeness enrages me so much, but it always has, and it always will. Continue readingSchwarzenegger Month: Kindergarten Cop”

Schwarzenegger Month: Twins

Arnold Schwarzenegger was a star before Ivan Reitman’s Twins was released in 1988, but of all the movies in Arnold’s filmography before this one, only Conan the Barbarian managed to crack a hundred million bucks at the box office, and quite a number didn’t make much cash at all. In fact, Arnold was being typecast, which is not necessarily a bad thing if that type is international action star. But it was with Twins that Arnold became a crossover star, much to the detriment of the moviegoing public, and myself, who will have to sit through some truly burdensome Arnold comedies this month. And it all began with Twins. Continue readingSchwarzenegger Month: Twins”