[Normally, I’d have a trailer for a movie here. Not this time. You want to see a trailer for Doggie B, you find it without my help.]
Netflix continues to impress me with its selection of terrible movies to stream. Thanks to an unsustainable subscription model, the site is packed full with the dregs of Hollywood. Once, many years ago, I gave the local ABC affiliate here in New York shit for purchasing cheap movies to show late at night. Well, whoever that poor programming director happened to be at the time, I have to apologize. You brought me such gems as The Hillz and Theodore Rex, but as bad as those movies are, they are Oscar contenders compared to Doggie B.
When I clicked on Doggie B, my first thought was, “It’s time to find out just how high I am.” I didn’t think that I would be able to make it through this entire movie, but I do have a minimum amount of time I will watch a movie before I bail. No matter how bad or how tortuous a movie happens to be, I will hang in there for a minimum of fifteen minutes. That’s not nearly enough time to tell how good a movie is, but it’s plenty of time to figure out how bad one is. If you, dear reader, manage to make it through fifteen minutes of Doggie B, then you’re a hero. If you make it through the whole thing, then you’re a fool.
I may not have watched a lot of this movie, but what I saw convinced me that Hollywood is a soulless business. The fifteen minutes of Doggie B that I saw made me worry about the state of human artistic expression. Doggie B is a kid’s flick. I couldn’t be further from the target demographic without being dead. But even though this movie was not made for me, I could tell that it wasn’t made for kids, either. At least, not kids who respond to any stimuli other than bright colors or shiny smiles. I imagine there are a lot of parents out there who don’t care what their toddlers and infants are watching so long as it meets those two criteria. I’m sure they’ve trained themselves to ignore the terrible shit that the very young respond to, but there’s no reason anyone should subject themselves, or their children, to Doggie B.
I regard a review like this as a public service. I watched this movie (fifteen minutes, anyway) so you won’t have to. Don’t let this article pique your curiosity. Don’t think of this movie as a challenge, something to show your friends on bad movie night. This is not fun shitty. This is bad shitty. Stay away.
I hesitate to even compare Doggie B with Alien: Resurrection. Alien: Resurrection was an actual movie. A part of me is still holding out hope that Doggie B was just an incredibly wicked hallucination.