Do Not Enter

I’m a sucker for urban exploration. And I’m a sucker for horror flicks. Put the two together and I will watch it. Mostly, these kinds of movies have been disappointing, but that could be said for any subgenre of film. For every good movie, there are three dogs.

Today’s dog is Do Not Enter, based on the novel Creepers by David Morrell. It was helmed by prolific music video director Marc Klasfeld, from a screenplay by Dikega Hadnot, Spencer Mandel, and Stephen Susco. The story is simple, which is a plus for a movie like this.

The Paragon, a luxury hotel on the Jersey Shore, has been abandoned for decades. Rumors are that Meyer Lansky, the infamous gangster, had a secret stash of millions of dollars in the hotel, and it is still there waiting for someone to find it. This catches the attention of The Creepers, a group of urbexers trying, and failing, to get internet famous. But, The Paragon has been a well-known and unattainable get amongst the urban exploration community, so they think doing a proper exploration, and finding the money, to boot, would get them the views they crave. Continue reading “Do Not Enter”

Midsommar

Ari Aster made one of the most dread-inducing horror flicks I’ve ever seen in Hereditary. That movie can be a very dark, and very uncomfortable watch. How nice that he followed that up with a movie about a midsummer celebration in Sweden. No darkness at all. Bright. Sunny. Hopeful. Yeah, sure.

One of the toughest things about Hereditary was its depiction of grief. It permeated the film, and that’s also how things begin in Midsommar. Dani (Florence Pugh) goes through a terrible personal trauma. Her sister kills her parents and then herself. Welcome to the movie. If this is going to be anything like Hereditary, one is in for a tough time. But, a despairing exploration of grief is not in the cards for this flick, thank goodness. Continue reading “Midsommar”

Obsession

Boy, did this movie make a splash at the box office. One of three movies in wide release this past year that upended industry conventions about horror (the others being Backrooms and Iron Lung), Obsession pulled in over 500 million bucks against a budget of around three-quarters of a million. Those kinds of numbers make the suits take notice. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. In the late 1990s it was The Blair Witch Project that thumbed its nose at Hollywood, and in the next decade Paranormal Activity did it again. Every so often the industry gets a reminder that bigger isn’t better, and that they don’t have sole license on what people are allowed to like. What’s unique is that three movies did this in the same year. But, Missile Test doesn’t give a damn about numbers and return on investment. What we appreciate is that an independent filmmaker was able to make their movie, and get it seen. Continue reading “Obsession”

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island VHS boxPart shot-on-video horror, part fetish movie, one will be hard-pressed to see a more nonsensical, cheap, shameless, and proud bit of sleaze outside the porn industry, unless one is watching any of the other dozens of flicks from moviemaker Gary Whitson and W.A.V.E. Productions. What is W.A.V.E.? Why, only the finest film production company in all of New Jersey. W.A.V.E. is a bit difficult to explain, so here is a trailer for a documentary about them that sums it up well.

As mentioned in that trailer, W.A.V.E. movies defy criticism. They are what they are. I agree, but only to a certain extent. When judged objectively, against every other movie I’ve ever seen, I can write with simple clarity that Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island is a bad movie. It stinks. It’s awful. It’s a true bottom feeder cinematic experience. And it was never meant to be anything else. Should anyone care enough to do so, it would make for a wonderful case study into the psychological reasons behind why some people, those here at Missile Test included, like watching bad movies. I’ve never thought about the ‘why’ too deeply. I’m too busy enjoying myself. That lack of self-analysis is critical to enjoying this movie. It’s so bad that you can’t stop to think about it or it might provoke a personal crisis. Continue reading “Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island”

The Purge

I think of The Purge, the 2013 dystopian horror flick from writer/director James DeMonaco, as a “wouldn’t it be cool if…” movie. That is, its central conceit is a whimsical, almost childish idea that doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny, but still makes a cool movie. Think something along the lines of, “Wouldn’t it be cool if a class of students was shipped to an island and there was a winner take all, survival to the death challenge?” And that’s how we got Battle Royale. Or, “Wouldn’t it be cool if it turned out reality was really a simulation?” That idea gave us The Matrix. Or, one of my personal favorites, “Wouldn’t it be cool if Manhattan was a maximum security prison?” That idea got audiences Escape from New York. Continue reading “The Purge”

Don’t Look in the Basement, aka The Forgotten

Insane asylums are fertile ground for horror flicks. Why shouldn’t they be? Insanity is scary stuff. Gathering different flavors of it together in an isolated location? How can filmmakers resist the temptation?

From way back in 1973 comes Don’t Look in the Basement, the first in a run of four horror flicks from auteur S.F. Brownrigg, from a screenplay written by Tim and Thomas Pope (despite results on the internet, this is not the same Tim Pope who is known for directing music videos).

A regional feature filmed in rural Texas, Basement tells the story of the staff and patients of the Stephens Sanitarium, a private institution run by its namesake, Dr. Barry Stephens (Michael Harvey). The location is a drab, three-story wooden building that was once part of Trinity University’s original campus in the very small town of Tehuacana, Texas. After Trinity relocated in 1902, the campus was occupied by Westminster College until it closed in 1972, leaving the property available for Brownrigg and company to film. The building is still standing as of this writing. Continue reading “Don’t Look in the Basement, aka The Forgotten”

The Demon’s Rook

Had The Demon’s Rook been made in the 1980s or 1990s, it would have been shot on videotape. This is very much kin to the kinds of movies the Polonia brothers or Andreas Schnaas were making back then. All the bona fides are there. It was the passion project of an aspiring filmmaker and an amateur cast and crew. It’s very bloody and gory, yet the effects are inexpensive. And it took a long time to shoot, with this particular flick eating up weekends for two years, if the internet is to be believed.

Released in 2013, the driving force of The Demon’s Rook is filmmaker James Sizemore, who wrote (with Akom Tidwell), produced (with Tim Reis), directed, and starred. Reis contributed further as editor and cinematographer.  The Demon’s Rook tells the story of Roscoe (Sizemore), who, when he was a young boy (played by Emmett Eckert), was recruited by a demon, Dimwos (John Chatham), to become an apprentice in demonic magic. The price is high, as Roscoe not only has to abandon his life, but his parents become blood sacrifices, and Roscoe is held prisoner well into his adulthood in a separate dimension. Continue reading “The Demon’s Rook”

Phantom Brother

The first line in my notes for Phantom Brother, the 1988 shot-on-video (SOV) horror flick from screenwriter Joseph Santi and director William Szarka reads, “Well, it’s trash.” That may be harsh, but my movie notes are written in the heat of the moment, without considering the trials and tribulations of the filmmaking process. Of course, like so many other low budget projects, Phantom Brother is a movie made despite the mountain of barriers that had to be overcome. It is a movie of passion, persistence, and…it’s trash. I’m glad it got made, but this is an obscure movie for a reason. Many reasons, in fact. Continue reading “Phantom Brother”

Terrifier

As of this writing, Terrifier, the 2016 gorefest from filmmaker Damien Leone, has a critics/audience rating of 63% and 51% on Rotten Tomatoes. This flick is polarizing, and it really turned some people off.

A spinoff of a segment from Leone’s horror anthology film All Hallow’s Eve, Terrifier follows Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton), a mass murderer who sets his sights on a pair of young women who are wrapping up a night out on the town during Halloween.

Tara and Dawn (Jenna Kanell and Catherine Corcoran) are regular, everyday urban twenty-somethings who just want to drive home, but need to sober up a bit before one of them gets behind the wheel. It’s too bad for them, then, that Art the Clown happens to be out and about looking for some victims. Halloween is the perfect night for Art, as his creepy regalia isn’t out of place, although it garners a lot of side-eye. Continue reading “Terrifier”

Fatal Images

Fatal Images VHS boxIn the decades since the 1989 release of Fatal Images, filmmaker Dennis Devine has staked out quite a place in low budget, trash horror cinema. Of the thirty-four directorial credits on his IMDb page that have viewer ratings, the average score is 3.8 out of 10. That’s pretty bad. Any single movie that garners a score that low is probably not worth the effort to watch, and that number covers Devine’s entire career. Some would say he should have thrown in the towel a long time ago, but shit on that. Devine is a filmmaker. It doesn’t matter that he makes crap. He makes movies, and no matter how bad they are, there is an audience of mutants out there who reject force fed studio movies — who experience culture outside the big corporate stranglehold on media. Sure, his movies stink. But every blown line, every plot hole, every frame of bland, desaturated magnetic video is a ‘fuck you’ to the moneyed gatekeepers of cinema.

Fatal Images, also written by Devine, with Mike Bowler and Steve Jarvis, is a supernatural slasher flick. Shot on glorious videotape, the film tells the story of deceased serial killer Kurt Cosgrave (David Williams); the camera that holds his murderous spirit (played by a Panon Widelux); and the photographer who buys the camera at a pawnshop, Amy Stewart (Lane Coyle). Continue reading “Fatal Images”