Shitty Movie Sundays: Cyberjack, aka Virtual Assassin

If there is any formula that has been beaten to death in action flicks, it is the “Die Hard in a…” film. Die Hard on a ship and its sequel, Die Hard on a train; Die Hard on a plane; Die Hard at the White House; Die Hard at a boarding school; Die Hard on a freakin’ bus. It’s such a reliable formula that sometimes an action flick can fall into all the Die Hard tropes as if by accident — like the filmmakers had something else in mind, but the lure of Die Hard was just too powerful to resist.

From 1995 comes Cyberjack, directed by Robert Lee from a script by Eric Poppen.

It’s the near future! A team of computer scientists, led by Dr. Phillip Royce and his daughter, Dr. Alex Royce (Duncan Fraser and Suki Kaiser), have created a new computer virus that acts as an anti-virus, and it lives in biological matter, and it may or may not have some kind of intelligence…it’s not all that clear. The details behind the virus are unimportant. In this movie’s world, the virus is a dangerous commodity that will have worldwide impact should it fall into the wrong hands. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Cyberjack, aka Virtual Assassin”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Phoenix the Warrior, aka She-Wolves of the Wasteland

This movie has to be trash, right? One doesn’t go into a 1980’s post-apocalyptic sci-fi b-movie with a scantily-clad female cast and expect Shakespeare. In the days before the World Wide Web, a movie like this was about one thing and one thing only, and that was gratuitous nudity. It’s true. Movie watchers were shallow enough that for about three decades leading up to the widespread use of the internet, showcasing nudity was a core purpose of thousands upon thousands of substandard movies. Good for them!

Phoenix the Warrior is a little skimpy with the goods, though. Although the look and feel of this movie is lifted from Mad Max, in many ways this has more in common with a women in prison flick. Director and writer Robert Hayes (Dan Rotblatt shares writing credit) even managed to squeeze in a pseudo shower scene, but that’s about it. Hayes did the absolute worst thing he could do as the director of an exploitation flick: he relied on his skill as a filmmaker to see him through. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Phoenix the Warrior, aka She-Wolves of the Wasteland”

Shitty Movie Sundays: The Psychotronic Man

The Psychotronic Man movie posterThe Psychotronic Man, from 1979, isn’t a standout 20th century b-movie, but it is a bizarre little piece of regional cinema. If the internet is to be believed, it also lent its title to Michael J. Weldon’s Psychotronic Video magazine, which, from 1980 to 2006, covered pretty much the same kind of material that is this site’s bread and butter. Psychotronic Video is long gone, but public appreciation of the kinds of films we mutants like is as strong as it has ever been, if the proliferation of streaming services offering up the stuff is any indication.

Directed by Jack M. Sell, from a screenplay by Sell, Phil Lanier, and Peter Spelson, The Psychotronic Man follows Spelson (who also produced) as Rocky Fosco, a Chicago barber who begins to manifest destructive psychic powers.

It all begins when Rocky is feeling crabby after a day of cutting hair, and decides he needs to take a drive to blow off some steam. Off to rural Illinois we go, as Rocky, and Sell, take viewers on a runtime padding sequence of drinking, driving, and helicopter shots. Rocky’s method of blowing off steam is to keep driving and pouring whiskey down his throat until he gets sleepy and has to pull over to the side of the road and pass out. Man, the ’70s were wild. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: The Psychotronic Man”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Alienator

Prolific filmmaker Fred Olen Ray is a Shitty Movie Sundays All-Star. He’s on the list for his lifetime achievement in the art of b-movies. Sometimes pumping out half a dozen shitty movies in a year, Ray’s career is one worthy of study for the mutant connoisseur. But, had his career consisted of just this one movie, he would still have a place in this amateur reviewer’s heart.

Alienator, from 1990 (screenplay by Paul Garson), sounds just like what it is: an alien who is a terminator. The titular character is about all the relation this flick has to James Cameron’s classic, though. There is no time travel, there is no apocalyptic artificial intelligence, and there is no unborn savior of the future. What there is, is a large, unstoppable space bounty hunter, played by bodybuilder Teagan Clive, in a hair metal-perfect costume. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Alienator”

Photo Dump: Badlands

These were taken many years ago in South Dakota. It was the same weekend as the Sturgis motorcycle rally, so while these seem like peaceful images, imagine a constant and steady background noise of Harley tailpipes from both nearby, and miles away.

 

This pair of images is from Sioux Falls:

While these were taken beside I-90 and at a nearby Minuteman missile silo:

The best part of the day was an afternoon and evening in the Badlands:

Shitty Movie Sundays: Cocaine Wars

There are a lot of plot and characters to keep track of in Cocaine Wars, Héctor Olivera’s magnum opus from 1985, from a screenplay by Steven M. Krauzer. It takes place in the cutthroat world of the drug cartels in an unnamed South American country (filming was done in Argentina). There’s cartel boss Gonzalo Reyes (Federico Luppi). His rival, corrupt General Lujan (Rodolfo Ranni). A crusading politician, Marcelo Villalba (Juan Vitali). An expat American coca farmer, Bailey (Royal Dano). A World War II Nazi fugitive turned cartel wannabe, Klausmann (Ivan Grey). A reporter from the States, Janet Meade (Kathryn Witt). And, tying it all together is drug smuggling treetop flyer Cliff Adams (John ‘Bo Duke’ Schneider), who pisses off just about everyone in the movie at some point. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Cocaine Wars”