Turistas

Twenty-somethings ending up somewhere bad while traveling. It’s a trope as old, at least, as The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and it’s a trope that just keeps on giving. Why not? We’re a traveling people. Seeing new things and meeting strangers is what we do during those occasions when we are able to toss off the shackles. Some of us have even been in sketchy situations far from home. Some have been robbed or worse. Who knows? Maybe some of us have been closer to never coming home than we ever knew.

From 2006 comes Turistas, written by Michael Arlen Ross and directed by John Stockwell, whom horror fans might remember for his portrayal of Dennis in Christine. Turistas follows western tourists in Brazil, and the trouble in which they find themselves. The film opens with a harrowing bus ride through the jungle that introduces us to the hapless protagonists. There is Alex (Josh Duhamel); his sister, Bea (Olivia Wilde); her friend, Amy (Beau Garrett); mates from England Finn and Liam (Desmond Askew and Max Brown); and experienced world traveler, Pru (Melissa George). Continue reading “Turistas”

The Ghost, aka An Taibhse

The Ghost, the 2024 horror film from writer/director John Farrelly, is a unique piece of film history. It is the first horror movie in the Irish language. More specifically, Ulster Irish. That will ensure that this film will always be preserved. That is about the peak of The Ghost’s value, though.

Taking place just after the Great Famine in the mid-19th century, The Ghost follows Éamon and Máire (Tom Kerrisk and Livvy Hill), a father and daughter who find work as caretakers at a rundown country house. Continue reading “The Ghost, aka An Taibhse”

Splatter University

Class of Nuke ‘Em High is one of Troma’s best. It’s a film that captures their style and humor just as much as if it had been directed by Lloyd Kaufman himself. Which it was. But he was listed as second fiddle to Richard W. Haines. Before he was sucked into Tromaworld, Haines directed and wrote (alongside Michael Cunningham and John Elias Michalakis) Splatter University, a slasher flick.

Shot in 1981 and 1982, but not released until Troma distributed it in 1984, Splatter University tells the story of a killer stalking the halls of a university. Continue reading “Splatter University”

Evil Dead (2013)

Is Evil Dead, the 2013 film from Fede Alvarez, a remake or a sequel? It looks a lot like a remake, but, years after release, Alvarez confirmed in a tweet that, “[Evil Dead] continues the first one.” Case closed. This flick is not a remake. I guess the original was just so good they had to make it twice, or thrice, for that matter.

Working from a screenplay he wrote with Rodo Sayagues, Alvarez made a horror flick that reportedly used tens of thousands of gallons of fake blood. If that’s not an intrinsic endorsement, I don’t know what is.

The movie follows five twenty-somethings who think they’re doing the right thing, but pick the worst place in the world for it. Continue reading “Evil Dead (2013)”

House (1977)

The Japanese are the undisputed kings of weird. I’ve seen thousands of movies from scores of countries, and it is Japanese flicks that are the most consistently bizarre. The Japanese have a reputation as being a staid and conservative people, but when it comes to their art, they have outlets for their inner weird, and they take advantage of it.

From way back in 1977 comes House, a movie that does its best to defy description, but I’m going to give it a try. Picture a stage set fever dream with painted backdrops, bright colors, the aesthetic sensibility of a TV show made for toddlers, scenes reminiscent of NES-era Final Fantasy cutscenes, with music that sounds made for both hippies and long elevator rides. If that picture doesn’t resolve clearly in one’s head, that’s okay, no description of this film will. Take these lines from my notes: Continue reading “House (1977)”

Do Not Enter

I’m a sucker for urban exploration. And I’m a sucker for horror flicks. Put the two together and I will watch it. Mostly, these kinds of movies have been disappointing, but that could be said for any subgenre of film. For every good movie, there are three dogs.

Today’s dog is Do Not Enter, based on the novel Creepers by David Morrell. It was helmed by prolific music video director Marc Klasfeld, from a screenplay by Dikega Hadnot, Spencer Mandel, and Stephen Susco. The story is simple, which is a plus for a movie like this.

The Paragon, a luxury hotel on the Jersey Shore, has been abandoned for decades. Rumors are that Meyer Lansky, the infamous gangster, had a secret stash of millions of dollars in the hotel, and it is still there waiting for someone to find it. This catches the attention of The Creepers, a group of urbexers trying, and failing, to get internet famous. But, The Paragon has been a well-known and unattainable get amongst the urban exploration community, so they think doing a proper exploration, and finding the money, to boot, would get them the views they crave. Continue reading “Do Not Enter”

Midsommar

Ari Aster made one of the most dread-inducing horror flicks I’ve ever seen in Hereditary. That movie can be a very dark, and very uncomfortable watch. How nice that he followed that up with a movie about a midsummer celebration in Sweden. No darkness at all. Bright. Sunny. Hopeful. Yeah, sure.

One of the toughest things about Hereditary was its depiction of grief. It permeated the film, and that’s also how things begin in Midsommar. Dani (Florence Pugh) goes through a terrible personal trauma. Her sister kills her parents and then herself. Welcome to the movie. If this is going to be anything like Hereditary, one is in for a tough time. But, a despairing exploration of grief is not in the cards for this flick, thank goodness. Continue reading “Midsommar”

Obsession

Boy, did this movie make a splash at the box office. One of three movies in wide release this past year that upended industry conventions about horror (the others being Backrooms and Iron Lung), Obsession pulled in over 500 million bucks against a budget of around three-quarters of a million. Those kinds of numbers make the suits take notice. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. In the late 1990s it was The Blair Witch Project that thumbed its nose at Hollywood, and in the next decade Paranormal Activity did it again. Every so often the industry gets a reminder that bigger isn’t better, and that they don’t have sole license on what people are allowed to like. What’s unique is that three movies did this in the same year. But, Missile Test doesn’t give a damn about numbers and return on investment. What we appreciate is that an independent filmmaker was able to make their movie, and get it seen. Continue reading “Obsession”

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island VHS boxPart shot-on-video horror, part fetish movie, one will be hard-pressed to see a more nonsensical, cheap, shameless, and proud bit of sleaze outside the porn industry, unless one is watching any of the other dozens of flicks from moviemaker Gary Whitson and W.A.V.E. Productions. What is W.A.V.E.? Why, only the finest film production company in all of New Jersey. W.A.V.E. is a bit difficult to explain, so here is a trailer for a documentary about them that sums it up well.

As mentioned in that trailer, W.A.V.E. movies defy criticism. They are what they are. I agree, but only to a certain extent. When judged objectively, against every other movie I’ve ever seen, I can write with simple clarity that Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island is a bad movie. It stinks. It’s awful. It’s a true bottom feeder cinematic experience. And it was never meant to be anything else. Should anyone care enough to do so, it would make for a wonderful case study into the psychological reasons behind why some people, those here at Missile Test included, like watching bad movies. I’ve never thought about the ‘why’ too deeply. I’m too busy enjoying myself. That lack of self-analysis is critical to enjoying this movie. It’s so bad that you can’t stop to think about it or it might provoke a personal crisis. Continue reading “Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island”

The Purge

I think of The Purge, the 2013 dystopian horror flick from writer/director James DeMonaco, as a “wouldn’t it be cool if…” movie. That is, its central conceit is a whimsical, almost childish idea that doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny, but still makes a cool movie. Think something along the lines of, “Wouldn’t it be cool if a class of students was shipped to an island and there was a winner take all, survival to the death challenge?” And that’s how we got Battle Royale. Or, “Wouldn’t it be cool if it turned out reality was really a simulation?” That idea gave us The Matrix. Or, one of my personal favorites, “Wouldn’t it be cool if Manhattan was a maximum security prison?” That idea got audiences Escape from New York. Continue reading “The Purge”