Most Wanted (1997)

Way back in 1988, budding comedic talent Keenen Ivory Wayans wrote, directed, and starred in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, a silly and, at times, brutal parody of 1970s blaxploitation cinema. He followed that success by creating the groundbreaking sketch comedy show In Living Color. Wayans, and his extended family, became a comedy dynasty that still produces works to this day. But Wayans, as many creative people are wont to do, wished to expand his horizons. He wanted to do more than just comedy. He wanted to be an action star.

That desire led to A Low Down Dirty Shame, also written, directed, and starring Wayans, in which he plays a gritty private eye. The film wasn’t well received, but it did decent numbers, returning three times its modest budget at the box office. It was his next project that was his moon shot, with an increased budget, greater scope, and a main character fit for the likes of every action star from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Michael Dudikoff. Continue reading “Most Wanted (1997)”

Alien Outlaw

It’s the overall picture that makes a movie shitty or not. There is never just one thing that earns a flick a spot in the Shitty Movie Sundays Watchability Index. Sometimes, though, there are individual things worth pointing out. Take today’s movie, for instance. Alien Outlaw. It’s right there in the title. Alien Outlaw, singular. One alien who is an outlaw. But, this movie has three outlaw aliens. Why not title the movie Alien Outlaws? Surely the opening credits were made after filming had wrapped. The title wasn’t carved into stone. At some point writer/director Phil Smoot had to have noticed the title on the front page of the script versus the amount of aliens in the movie. Yet, there it is. Singular title, three aliens. Continue reading “Alien Outlaw”

City Cops, aka Miao tan shuang long, aka Free Fighter

City Cops movie posterWay back in the 1980s and ’90s, martial artist Cynthia Rothrock was one of the queens of late night cable television. Unlike others, such as Shannon Tweed, who were known for their topless contributions to b-movies, Rothrock was an ass kicker. In her flicks, she usually played a tough cop who used her black belt skills to kick ass all over Southern California. Today’s film is a bit of a departure. Not because she didn’t play a cop or didn’t kick any ass, but because she pulled heavy supporting duties in a Hong Kong martial arts flick, something she did only a handful of times in her extensive career.

From 1989 comes City Cops, from director Liu Chia-Yung, who was mostly known for acting and stunt work.

The film follows Hong Kong cops Ching Shing (Michael Kiu Wai Miu) and Tai Kau (Shing Fui-On), as they search for fugitive Kent Tong (played by, and this is not a typo, Kent Tong). Tong fled the United States with an audio tape containing evidence of crimes, or something. The tape matters less as a MacGuffin than Kent Tong. Flying in from the States is Inspector Cindy of the FBI (Rothrock). Continue reading “City Cops, aka Miao tan shuang long, aka Free Fighter”

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

What a gloriously stupid movie. Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Andy Sidaris’s magnum opus from 1987, is not the most watchable shitty movie of all time, but it is a contender for the ‘so bad it’s good’ championship belt. It’s a subtle distinction, I know. But, if boxing can have dozens of belts, why deny such granular categorization to misfit movies?

Written and directed by Sidaris, Hard Ticket is very self-aware. There are no pretensions of narrative weight, or, since this is an action flick, realistic violence. This is a bloody flick, to be sure, but it’s how the blood is spilt that is hooey (see, skateboard scene, frisbee scene). Continue reading “Hard Ticket to Hawaii”

The Bodyguard, aka Bodyguard Kiba

Once upon a time, Sonny Chiba starred in a film adaptation of Bodyguard Kiba, a popular manga by Ikki Kajiwara. Chiba played the titular Kiba, who offers his services to anyone willing to expose crime and corruption. Perhaps, with Kiba’s protection, his clients will live long enough to see justice done.

As happened quite frequently with movies and TV shows from overseas, an American distributor got ahold of the rights, and released a bastardized version here in the States. Bodyguard Kiba became The Bodyguard; the name of Kiba’s character was changed to ‘Sonny Chiba,’ so the flick now features Sonny Chiba playing Sonny Chiba; and ten minutes of new footage shot in Times Square, that has nothing to do with the rest of the film, was added at the beginning. Oh, and the film opens with a reading of Ezekiel 25:17, just like Jules Winnfield says it early in Pulp Fiction, misquote and all. (The more genre films from the 1970s I see, the more I see where Quentin Tarantino found his influence. In fact, it seems as if his entire career has been remaking the movies he saw in his adolescence, bringing a high sheen to exploitation cinema. But, that’s an article for another day.) Continue reading “The Bodyguard, aka Bodyguard Kiba”

Champagne and Bullets, aka GetEven, aka Road to Revenge

Vanity projects are a fact of Hollywood business. Occasionally a star gets enough juice that they force a studio to make the movie they want to do, on their terms. Just about every big star has a vanity project or two in their filmography. Sylvester Stallone used the power he gained after the success of Rocky to make Paradise Alley. Sean Connery convinced United Artists to back The Offence. John Travolta used up every ounce of his power and influence to make Battlefield Earth. Even Madonna got in on the act with the remake of Lina Wertmuller’s classic Swept Away. One thing readers should notice about these examples…they’re all bad movies. Continue reading “Champagne and Bullets, aka GetEven, aka Road to Revenge”

The Glove

As of this writing, former NFL All Pro defensive lineman Rosey Grier is still kicking at the ripe old age of 93. We’re football fans here at Missile Test, but we associate Rosey with his post-football days, when, among many other activities, he graced us with his presence on the silver screen, most notably in The Thing With Two Heads. In 1979’s The Glove, directed by Ross Hagen from a screenplay by Hugh Smith and Julian Roffman, Rosey plays Victor Hale, an ex-con who was beaten and abused by prison guards. After release, Hale seeks revenge. He suits up in prison riot gear, including a 5-pound steel glove, and hunts down his former custodians, beating them to death. Continue reading “The Glove”