There are plenty of people to blame for this shitty movie. There’s director Michael Anderson, producers Dino De Laurentiis and Luciano Vincenzoni; maybe even star Richard Harris. While their culpability would hold up in a court of law, the person I hold the most accountable is Steven Spielberg. If he had not ushered in the era of the blockbuster with Jaws, there is no way in hell anyone, anywhere, at any time in cinematic history, would have made Orca. Well, maybe the guys over at Asylum would have...but not in 1977. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Orca”
Author: capcom
Shitty Movie Sundays: The Last Stand, or, Look! The New Chevys Are Out!
Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn’t starred in a movie in ten years, since Terminator 3. In The Last Stand, his first major foray onto the silver screen since he ended his time as governor of California, Arnold (normally I’d refer to a person by their last name in an article, but I’m not going to subject myself to typing out Arnold’s last name more than once) plays Ray Owens, the sheriff of a small border town in Arizona. He’s a former narcotics cop from the mean streets of Los Angeles, and the wistful gazes with which he paints his little town in the opening scenes are evidence that he prefers this life in small town America to the one he left behind in the LAPD. It’s either that, or Arnold was just thrilled to be back in a starring role. I can’t tell, but it’s easy to picture the film’s director, Kim Jee-Woon, instructing Arnold to express his real feelings of satisfaction at being back in the spotlight for these scenes, as getting Arnold to display any emotional range at all is more difficult than flying the space shuttle.
That’s not a knock on Arnold. Well, not much of one. After all, I never, not once, went into an Arnold Schwarzenegger (whoops, that’s two) flick expecting an Oscar worthy performance. Action flicks aren’t about nuance. They’re about violence and blowing shit up. Seeing Arnold in anything else is a waste of mine, and everybody else’s, time (I’m looking at you, Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Junior, and Jingle All the Way. In fact, I’m not looking at you. I’m going to pretend those films never happened, like Michael Jordan playing for the Wizards or Miles Davis coming out of retirement in 1981. My goodness, did I just equate Arnold Schwarzenegger [that’s three] to the greatest basketball player of all time and the greatest jazz musician of all time? Yes. Yes, I did. And you know what? That’s okay, because while Arnold is not the greatest actor of all time, he has a solid case for being the greatest action star of all time, and that has to count for something, right?). Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: The Last Stand, or, Look! The New Chevys Are Out!”
Where the Hell Have I Been?
It’s been almost two months since my last post, and in that time, shitty movies have gone unwatched, and political scandals have gone without rant here on Missile Test. So what have I been up to? I’m writing a book. This means I’ve had to sacrifice basically all of the time I used to dedicate to Missile Test and also to Daily Exhaust. I still have a full time job, and I’ve found that after about 1,000 words of book and 8 hours of work, I’m gassed. The good news is, my routine is pretty well set, and I’m chugging along toward my goal, the only distractions being my own failings. I’ll get some more posts up here soon. But, my Loyal Seven readers, don’t expect a busy summer.
Cocksuckers Ball: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
Gun control looks to be dead. Whatever hopes people had that something positive could come out of the Newtown massacre have been dashed. Assault weapons ban? Dead. Magazine size limit? Dead. National gun registry? Dead. Universal background checks, the most popular of all gun control proposals? Dead. Continue reading “Cocksuckers Ball: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”
Shitty Movie Sundays: Olympus Has Fallen
I’m heartened by the savviness shown by the audience members during a showing of Olympus Has Fallen this weekend. This was a crowd that was having none of director Antoine Fuqua’s shenanigans. It was clear from the moment the first commercials hit the airwaves that this film would be utter nonsense. It appeared that most of the people in the theater came with the knowledge they would be watching a total piece of shit, and they didn’t care. They were there for the shitty, for the schadenfreude, and for all the other reasons that bad movies entertain us. They were laughing and groaning in all the right places. It was my kind of crowd. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Olympus Has Fallen”
The Iraq War
Ten years ago today the American military began its invasion of Iraq. Ten years on the war still incenses. Politics today is in the grip of hyper-partisanship. The GOP is blatantly obstructionist, the Democrats flailing as they try to play small ball with legislation and the economy. The rancor in Washington and in the media is poisonous. Our leaders are growing increasingly cloistered in that world of theirs, and seem either blissfully unaware of the damage they’re doing to the country, or, worse, unconcerned. It’s a disheartening time. But, I would rather see a broken government than the one that so efficiently led us into war in Iraq. Continue reading “The Iraq War”
The Empty Balcony: Total Recall (2012)
It’s no secret. Hollywood loves remakes. They love squeezing new cash out of old ideas. And why not? We’re a country that embraces the familiar. We find comfort in it. It’s this tendency of the public to seek out what it already knows that makes Applebee’s and the Olive Garden successful properties in Times Square. Who the hell would come all the way to New York City only to eat the same food they can get in Boise? Americans, that’s who. Continue reading “The Empty Balcony: Total Recall (2012)”
Shitty Movie Ideas: Tossing Pie
On the heels of last year’s surprise hit comedy, Out of This World, starring Pauly Shore and Rob Schneider, I’ve been tasked by studio execs to think up another buddy comedy featuring this dynamic duo. They want another smash hit, another moneymaker, something they can plop down a cool 15 million bucks to produce and just rake in the moolah. I don’t know about 15 million bucks. Last year we got Pauly and Rob for scale and a couple free hot dogs. Now that they’re back on top, they may want more cash. But, that’s not my problem. I’m the idea man. I have problems of my own. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Ideas: Tossing Pie”
Shitty Movie Sundays: Red Dawn (2012)
It’s been awhile, but Shitty Movie Sundays returns for the first time since last Halloween. What a doozy we have today. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Red Dawn (2012)”
Cocksuckers Ball: Do These Assholes Even Believe in Running the Country?
What I can’t do is force Congress to do the right thing...The American people may have the capacity to do that.
— President Obama, March 1, 2013
It’s the beginning of March, barely a month and a half into President Obama’s second term, and it appears serious governance is done for the next two years. The Washington Post reported this past Sunday that the president, confronted once again by an obstructionist Congress, is already looking ahead to 2014, hoping that the Democrats can capture the House in the midterm elections. Continue reading “Cocksuckers Ball: Do These Assholes Even Believe in Running the Country?”