Tag: Gratuitous Nudity

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island

Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island VHS boxPart shot-on-video horror, part fetish movie, one will be hard-pressed to see a more nonsensical, cheap, shameless, and proud bit of sleaze outside the porn industry, unless one is watching any of the other dozens of flicks from moviemaker Gary Whitson and W.A.V.E. Productions. What is W.A.V.E.? Why, only the finest film production company in all of New Jersey. W.A.V.E. is a bit difficult to explain, so here is a trailer for a documentary about them that sums it up well.

As mentioned in that trailer, W.A.V.E. movies defy criticism. They are what they are. I agree, but only to a certain extent. When judged objectively, against every other movie I’ve ever seen, I can write with simple clarity that Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island is a bad movie. It stinks. It’s awful. It’s a true bottom feeder cinematic experience. And it was never meant to be anything else. Should anyone care enough to do so, it would make for a wonderful case study into the psychological reasons behind why some people, those here at Missile Test included, like watching bad movies. I’ve never thought about the ‘why’ too deeply. I’m too busy enjoying myself. That lack of self-analysis is critical to enjoying this movie. It’s so bad that you can’t stop to think about it or it might provoke a personal crisis. Continue reading “Female Mercenaries on Zombie Island”

The Demon’s Rook

Had The Demon’s Rook been made in the 1980s or 1990s, it would have been shot on videotape. This is very much kin to the kinds of movies the Polonia brothers or Andreas Schnaas were making back then. All the bona fides are there. It was the passion project of an aspiring filmmaker and an amateur cast and crew. It’s very bloody and gory, yet the effects are inexpensive. And it took a long time to shoot, with this particular flick eating up weekends for two years, if the internet is to be believed.

Released in 2013, the driving force of The Demon’s Rook is filmmaker James Sizemore, who wrote (with Akom Tidwell), produced (with Tim Reis), directed, and starred. Reis contributed further as editor and cinematographer.  The Demon’s Rook tells the story of Roscoe (Sizemore), who, when he was a young boy (played by Emmett Eckert), was recruited by a demon, Dimwos (John Chatham), to become an apprentice in demonic magic. The price is high, as Roscoe not only has to abandon his life, but his parents become blood sacrifices, and Roscoe is held prisoner well into his adulthood in a separate dimension. Continue reading “The Demon’s Rook”

Phantom Brother

The first line in my notes for Phantom Brother, the 1988 shot-on-video (SOV) horror flick from screenwriter Joseph Santi and director William Szarka reads, “Well, it’s trash.” That may be harsh, but my movie notes are written in the heat of the moment, without considering the trials and tribulations of the filmmaking process. Of course, like so many other low budget projects, Phantom Brother is a movie made despite the mountain of barriers that had to be overcome. It is a movie of passion, persistence, and…it’s trash. I’m glad it got made, but this is an obscure movie for a reason. Many reasons, in fact. Continue reading “Phantom Brother”

Silent Night, Deadly Night

People get all twisted over small stuff. We see it often. A large chunk of modern media thrives on the outrage machine. It drives engagement, sputters out after a week or so, then the talking heads find something else with which to rile up the masses. This has been going on for a long time. Even way back in 1984, before the World Wide Web kicked the machine into overdrive, we were carving out chunks of our lives to be outrageously pissed at something that didn’t matter.

Silent Night, Deadly Night, the classic slasher flick from director Charles E. Sellier Jr., caught the attention of the outrage machine. Groups picketed theaters that were showing it, and Phil Donahue dedicated an episode of his talkshow to it. Why? Because the killer in this movie dresses as Santa Claus. That was it. That was the outrage. Santa was such a sacred cow to enough people that they were offended by the very idea of a killer Santa. The behavior of a fictional character was an attack on an institution — Christmas — that they held dear. This is familiar ground today for a certain subset of cable news viewers, but what a stupid thing to get angry about. The anger got so intense that the film was pulled from distribution after only a couple of weeks, home video releases were few, and the intact film was in danger of being lost, despite cult success and a string of sequels. Anyway… Continue reading “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

Moonbase

There is the nucleus of a good movie in Moonbase, the 1997 sci-fi thriller from director Paolo Mazzucato and screenwriters Brian DiMuccio and Dino Vendini. It doesn’t score high in the originality sweepstakes, but it is one of the vast breed of films that could be summarized as, “Die Hard on a…” In this case, it’s Die Hard on the moon. There is a band of bad guys with a charismatic leader who invade and occupy a confined space. They hold people hostage. There is one unlikely hero that can save the day. Well, at least, this flick teases the one hero. What viewers get is more of an ensemble effort, but that’s just a small detail. It’s the big stuff that dooms this flick. Continue reading “Moonbase”

Miami Connection

What an incredible shitty movie. I don’t mean incredibly shitty, although it is, but an incredible example of substandard cinema. It’s inept and outrageous in all the right spots. Behind it is yet another tale of filmmaking perseverance that laughs in the face of personal doubts and industry gatekeepers. It’s not a good movie, but it is entertaining, and that is the first purpose of film.

According to the internet, so it must be true, Korean immigrant and Orlando businessman Y.K. Kim, who owned a number of taekwondo studios in the area, appeared on a South Korean talkshow promoting a book on taekwondo. One of the viewers happened to be Woo-sang Park, a filmmaker with over a dozen credits. Park was inspired by Kim’s interview, contacted him, and convinced him to collaborate on a movie. Kim took to the project with gusto, working on the story, raising money using his business as collateral, working hard to try and get distribution, and, after Park moved on to other projects, directing reshoots. The result was Miami Connection. Continue reading “Miami Connection”

Skin Trade

This flick was close, oh, so close, to not making the cut for Shitty Movie Sundays. We have an informal slogan here at SMS: Not every shitty movie is bad, but every bad movie is shitty. Skin Trade, from 2014, is not a bad movie. It’s better than mediocre. It’s damned entertaining and on occasion dips its toes into being good. It’s a cheapie action flick that one has to actively scan for its failings. It’s the ersatz stuff that sealed the deal. The poor CGI muzzle flashes and blood spatters; the poor CGI backgrounds in driving scenes; the poor CGI explosions and fire. Yeah, it was mostly the poor CGI. It was a symptom of this flick’s low budget and the willingness of the filmmakers to take shortcuts. I wouldn’t say that it doomed this flick to a spot in the Watchability Index (because inclusion is an HONOR), but a little more flexibility in director Ekachai Uekrongtham’s budget would have worked wonders. Continue reading “Skin Trade”

Deadly Force

Shitty Movie Sundays All-Star Wings Hauser has one of the best 1980s action flick character introductions in Deadly Force, from 1983. Viewers first see him on the gritty streets of New York City, playing a game best described as ‘rat roulette.’ Next, he’s drunkenly tickling piano keys in a bar, not without some competence. Then he’s a passenger in a speeding cab driven by none other than Estelle Getty. Finally, with complete disregard for his personal safety, he talks a distraught suicide bomber out of blowing up himself and everyone around him. And he does all of this before he hops on a plane to Los Angeles, called west by an old friend, Sam (Al Ruscio), whose granddaughter has fallen victim to a serial killer. Continue reading “Deadly Force”

Most Wanted (1997)

Way back in 1988, budding comedic talent Keenen Ivory Wayans wrote, directed, and starred in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, a silly and, at times, brutal parody of 1970s blaxploitation cinema. He followed that success by creating the groundbreaking sketch comedy show In Living Color. Wayans, and his extended family, became a comedy dynasty that still produces works to this day. But Wayans, as many creative people are wont to do, wished to expand his horizons. He wanted to do more than just comedy. He wanted to be an action star.

That desire led to A Low Down Dirty Shame, also written, directed, and starring Wayans, in which he plays a gritty private eye. The film wasn’t well received, but it did decent numbers, returning three times its modest budget at the box office. It was his next project that was his moon shot, with an increased budget, greater scope, and a main character fit for the likes of every action star from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Michael Dudikoff. Continue reading “Most Wanted (1997)”

Alien Outlaw

It’s the overall picture that makes a movie shitty or not. There is never just one thing that earns a flick a spot in the Shitty Movie Sundays Watchability Index. Sometimes, though, there are individual things worth pointing out. Take today’s movie, for instance. Alien Outlaw. It’s right there in the title. Alien Outlaw, singular. One alien who is an outlaw. But, this movie has three outlaw aliens. Why not title the movie Alien Outlaws? Surely the opening credits were made after filming had wrapped. The title wasn’t carved into stone. At some point writer/director Phil Smoot had to have noticed the title on the front page of the script versus the amount of aliens in the movie. Yet, there it is. Singular title, three aliens. Continue reading “Alien Outlaw”