Ninja! – Missile Test

Miami Connection

What an incredible shitty movie. I don’t mean incredibly shitty, although it is, but an incredible example of substandard cinema. It’s inept and outrageous in all the right spots. Behind it is yet another tale of filmmaking perseverance that laughs in the face of personal doubts and industry gatekeepers. It’s not a good movie, but it is entertaining, and that is the first purpose of film.

According to the internet, so it must be true, Korean immigrant and Orlando businessman Y.K. Kim, who owned a number of taekwondo studios in the area, appeared on a South Korean talkshow promoting a book on taekwondo. One of the viewers happened to be Woo-sang Park, a filmmaker with over a dozen credits. Park was inspired by Kim’s interview, contacted him, and convinced him to collaborate on a movie. Kim took to the project with gusto, working on the story, raising money using his business as collateral, working hard to try and get distribution, and, after Park moved on to other projects, directing reshoots. The result was Miami Connection. Continue reading “Miami Connection”

Nine Deaths of the Ninja

What a gloriously stupid movie. If one is going to make a shitty action movie, and one knows they are going to make a shitty action movie, rather than suffering from delusions of grandeur, why not be outrageous? That must have been the conclusion that producer Ashok Amritraj and writer/director Emmett Alston came to when they decided to make Nine Deaths of the Ninja, one of the silliest action flicks Missile Test has seen in at least…a month and a half, if not longer.

Viewers learn what they’re in for during the opening scene, when we see counterterrorist operatives Spike Shinobi (Sho Kosugi), Steve Gordon (Brent Huff), and Jennifer Barnes (Emilia Crow) ply their trade in a training exercise. Spike’s tactical outfit is a true marvel — a camo jumpsuit festooned with explosive crossbow bolts and all sorts of mall ninja blades, and a utility belt ringed with shuriken and lollipops. That’s right, lollipops. At first, I thought they were some kind of small, feathered throwing darts, but nope. Lollipops. Continue reading “Nine Deaths of the Ninja”

The Octagon

Today we have a film from Chuck Norris’s moustache era. The man and his beard have been inseparable for over thirty years, now, but there was a time when Chuck was rocking the kind of facial hair that could compete with the era’s porn stars. It was not quite on the level of Tom Selleck’s scrub brush, but he wore it well.

Released in 1980, The Octagon was directed by Eric Karson from a screenplay by Leigh Chapman. Continue reading “The Octagon”

Enter the Ninja, or, The Colonials are Having a Tiff

Enter the Ninja, the 1981 karate flick from legendary producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, is just about the quintessential movie from The Cannon Group, Golan-Globus’s company. Cannon is synonymous with shitty cinema, alongside other giants as Roger Corman’s New World Pictures, American International Pictures, and Dino De Laurentiis. Like these examples, not everything Cannon made was shit, but enough was for the reputation to be deserved.

Directed by Golan himself, Enter the Ninja tells the tale of Cole, an American who has just completed his studies in Japan to become a real, honest-to-goodness ninja. Ninja are quite the anachronism these days, but that doesn’t stop there being a whole dojo full of these guys.

Cole is played by Franco Nero, an Italian actor who just happened to be around when Enter the Ninja had been filming and Golan needed a new lead. The way the internet tells it, so it must be true, is the movie had been filming with martial artist Mike Stone in the lead role. The movie was his brainchild, and he got a story credit alongside screenwriter Dick Desmond. Stone even choreographed the fights. But, so the tale goes, he couldn’t act. Enter Franco Nero, who could act, but couldn’t speak English without an Italian accent, or fight like Stone. No matter. That’s small stuff. Golan’s solution was to dub Nero’s voice with that of Marc Smith, and retain Stone as Nero’s stunt double. That’s how movies are made, folks. Continue reading “Enter the Ninja, or, The Colonials are Having a Tiff”