Not Enough Alarm

It snowed here in New York City yesterday. In fact, we got walloped. It’s something that happens in east coast cities. Snow doesn’t come at a steady trickle like it does in the Midwest. It doesn’t pile up over long stretches of below-freezing weather — a somewhat constant presence. Rather, it all seems to come in bunches. A blizzard here, a nor’easter there, and all of a sudden there are eighteen inches of snow on the ground. Such was the case yesterday. Not bad for the first day of Spring, huh? Continue reading “Not Enough Alarm”

Shitty Movie Sundays: The Killers Edge, aka Blood Money

What a gloriously stupid movie. The Killers Edge, from writer/director Joseph Mehri, has everything I’ve ever wanted out of a 1980s-90s-era straight-to-video action flick. A hunky leading man called from the lower depths of Hollywood, a screenplay that could double as a McBain sequence from The Simpsons, a soundtrack made by one guy with a synthesizer, and plenty of casual gunplay. Sure, fans of hoity-toity cinema will turn their noses up at such trash as this, but we shitty movie fans, we know better. There’s something they will never see in a film like The Killers Edge, and that’s their loss. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: The Killers Edge, aka Blood Money”

Once Again, Nothing

National gun control legislation is dead again. A month after a shooter massacred 17 students and faculty at Stoneman Douglas High in Parkland, Florida, it looks as if Congress will not be taking up any gun control bill, nor will the White House, currently preoccupied with blaming video games for the violence, be sending any measures, other than the insane idea of arming teachers, to Capitol Hill. For a time, there, it looked like this latest tragedy would be the one that finally led to action, but the GOP is nothing if not resilient when it comes to ignoring calls for action that go against the will of their paymasters. Continue reading “Once Again, Nothing”

The Sixth Annual Empty Balcony Awards for Movies I Saw from Last Year

It’s that time of the year again, when stars and dignitaries from the film industry gather in Hollywood to celebrate another year of being famous. The Academy Awards. It really is an exercise in stroking the egos of people who don’t need any further encouragement, but more importantly it gives us rankings. And if there’s anything we like in this country, it’s knowing who the winners and losers are. It’s not enough to just let a film be; to let it speak for itself. Nope. It must be judged. I’m on board with that. Welcome to the Empty Balcony Awards! Continue reading “The Sixth Annual Empty Balcony Awards for Movies I Saw from Last Year”

Empty Balcony: The 10th Victim

The swinging ’60s have come to Missile Test, in the form of Italian/French production The 10th Victim. An absurdist bit of film whimsy from Italian director Elio Petri, The 10th Victim is notable for providing much of the inspiration for Mike Myers’s character Austin Powers. Indeed, one of the great gags in the first Austin Powers film, a bikini top that shoots bullets, was lifted from this film. Continue reading “Empty Balcony: The 10th Victim”

Insane and Stupid

Here we are again. More children and teachers have been slaughtered in an American school. The death toll was horrific enough this time to get the gun control debate raging once more. At first blush, that sounds cynical, but remember that the shooting last week in Parkland, Florida, which claimed 17 lives, came less than a month after a 15-year-old student in Marshall County, Kentucky shot 16 people in the lobby of his high school, but only two of them died. That story was barely a blip in the news. Continue reading “Insane and Stupid”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Cosmos: War of the Planets, or, Shit Trek

Should one not wish to be burdened by a sensible, interconnected plot, or by special effects that pass a minimum standard of acceptability, then has Missile Test got the movie for you. Cosmos: War of the Planets, also known by many other names, is one of the shittiest films to grace this site in a litany of shitty films. Continue reading “Shitty Movie Sundays: Cosmos: War of the Planets, or, Shit Trek”