Hatchet II

Hatchet III judge sequels and remakes a bit more harshly than other films. I cannot help but compare further entries in film series to their predecessors. It would be ideal if I could judge something like Aliens or Jaws 2 on their own merits, but I find that impossible if I have seen the earlier film. The associations in my brain are just too strong to ignore. That’s not a problem today. I have not seen Hatchet, the first of writer/director Adam Green’s ongoing story of murderous freak Victor Crowley, but I did just watch Hatchet II, and now I think it is time...

Ahem!

Ladies and gentlemen, my Loyal Seven readers, I present to you Hatchet II, the official film of the 2014 Missile Test October Horrorshow. This flick represents just about everything I love in a slasher flick. There’s loads of gore and buckets of fake blood; all the killing is done in the woods; in Danielle Harris, it stars a legitimate scream queen; and it looked like it had a budget of about a nickel and a half. Oh, and best of all? It’s 85 minutes long. We love reasonable run times here at Missile Test. There’s nothing more interminable in a film than bloated length, so when I catch a movie that doesn’t hold me prisoner past the start of the eleven o’clock news, I’m thrilled. Continue reading “Hatchet II”

Odd Thomas

Odd Thomas is the anti-Cole Sear — he’s a youth untroubled by his ability to see dead people. Thomas (Anton Yelchin) is a psychic hero for the comic book age of American cinema. He rolls with the punches with endless optimism. Without flinching, he uses his gifts for the betterment of the fictional desert town in which he lives, Pico Mundo. Like any good comic book hero, he has a support network of people who are aware of his gift, and its import. Thomas is a flawed human being, capable of very weird behavior, yet he is universally liked by all those who meet him. Were it not for all the murder happening in town, what a utopia it would be. Thomas is indeed odd, yet never shunned or avoided. He even has a hot girlfriend. Thomas’s life is almost annoyingly good for someone so strange, but, this is fiction, after all. Continue reading “Odd Thomas”

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

This movie may have a hell of a title, but a title like Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II also betrays itself as 1980s schlock horror before a viewer sees a single frame. But, so what? The ’80s were a second golden age for horror, when it seemed every week brought something either new or outrageous. Prom Night II, from 1987, is a sequel to the Jamie Lee Curtis flick from 1980, but it owes allegiance in title only. None of the characters from the original appear, and this movie takes place at an entirely different high school. Continue reading “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”

Lifeforce

Lifeforce movie posterSometimes a movie tries to be an epic, but has a hard time shaking off its b-movie stink. Such is the case with Lifeforce, the 1985 sci-fi/horror film from director Tobe Hooper and writers Dan O’Bannon and Don Jakoby. The film opens with a bombastic score composed by Henry Mancini, in quite a departure from the type of music cinema buffs would associate with him. The camera flies over an endless asteroid that looks plucked from the long, dichromatic shots that Stanley Kubrick filmed for 2001. What follows is a quick introductory voiceover that takes care of all the backstory and character development. Viewers are told of the mission of the HMS Churchill, a joint American/British space shuttle mission tasked with exploring Halley’s Comet upon its dodranscentennial approach to the earth.

The shuttle, commanded by Colonel Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback), approaches the comet and its radar detects an alien spacecraft shrouded in the comet’s coma. Carlsen leads a team aboard and discovers that the deceased crew of the derelict ship are man-sized creatures that resemble bats. Further in the ship, the team discovers three naked human figures in suspended animation. In a decision that sets the plot in motion, Carlsen has the three figures, one woman and two men, brought aboard the Churchill. Continue reading “Lifeforce”

Haunter

The lore surrounding ghosts is no less extensive and esoteric than in any other fantasy that human beings engage in. Googling “ghost types” garners about 30 million hits for me, but only because Google thinks I was looking for something about Pokemon. Going a bit more formal with the language and googling “types of ghosts” leads to about 11 million hits. Hardly any more manageable, but at least this time Google hasn’t confused my search with a video game. Many pages detail the physical characteristics, categorizing spectral apparitions as orbs, vapors, mists, shadows, rods of light, even corkscrews. There are lists which deal with animal ghosts. Strangely appealing are object ghosts, like ships or cars, supposedly manifestations of intense energy emitted by their passengers. There is a lot of information out there in the real world for anyone curious enough to look. Continue reading “Haunter”

Terror Train

For about four years in the late 70s and early 80s, Jamie Lee Curtis had a hell of a run as a scream queen. During that time, she starred in four slasher flicks, and was part of an ensemble cast in another. Audiences in those days must have grown familiar with her piercing, oddly resonant, terrified wail. Whether she was fleeing a maniac in a William Shatner mask, evading the vengeful spirits of dead lepers, or, in today’s film, fighting off a costumed murderer aboard a moving train, her howling gusts are an integral part of the soundtrack. She was perfect for the roles she played. Always playing the survivor, she had youth, attractiveness, and innocence touched with enough sexuality to make her someone all the males in the audience would want to save. Only, she didn’t need it. For a time, there, she seemed to be the hardest person in Hollywood to kill. It’s a living, I guess. Continue reading “Terror Train”

The Incredible Melting Man

Being a fan of shitty movies can be taxing. For one thing, not all shitty movies are alike. There are good shitty movies and bad shitty movies. But, since we’re not dealing with quality, the bad far outweighs the good. For every Commando there are about fifty Ghosts of Georgia. It’s almost like watching sports, in that regard. A hardcore sports fan will sit through game after game, investing vast amounts of time waiting for the handful of games in a season that are memorable. That’s what I do a couple of times a week, only with movies. I sit down, hoping to be entertained, but most of the time, I’m treated to a festival of bores. Not today. Continue reading “The Incredible Melting Man”

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary

I love seeing famous people in early roles. It’s a reminder that even the most successful of us have to start somewhere, even if grandpa owns a football team. Before she played a conniving investigative reporter in House of Cards, Kate Mara was slumming it as the star of the direct to video horror flick, Urban Legends: Bloody Mary. I’m reminded of Philip Seymour Hoffman in Twister, Paul Rudd in the sixth Halloween movie, Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger in that awful Texas Chainsaw flick, and, the pièce de résistance, George Clooney in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. It seems that horror is fertile ground for the stars of tomorrow. I wonder which young, struggling talent will emerge from today’s shitty horror flicks? Continue reading “Urban Legends: Bloody Mary”

Barricade

Barricade movie posterNever judge a book by its cover. Or, in this case, never judge a movie by its production company, unless it’s a movie by The Asylum. Barricade, written by Michaelbrent Collings, and directed by Andrew Currie, is a case in point. Right there in the opening credits, there it is: the logo for the WWE, Vince McMahon’s wrestling entertainment behemoth. Barricade is one of the growing stable of films released by WWE Studios, the Hollywood offshoot of the parent company. This company is responsible for such films as The Marine and See No Evil, both featuring WWE wrestlers in starring roles. Looking at their IMDb page, one of their upcoming, straight to video releases, will be Jingle All the Way 2. Oh, horror. On paper, Barricade doesn’t look all that promising. But, as any sports fan can tell a viewer, how a team looks on paper can differ substantially from what happens when the games are played.

Barricade follows Terrence Shade (Eric McCormack) and his two children, Cynthia and Jake (Conner Dwelly and Ryan Grantham), as they try to celebrate Christmas following the tragic death of their mother. Mom had some big plans for Christmas, wanting the family to spend the holidays at a cabin in the woods. Now that she’s dead, Terrence decides to carry out his wife’s wishes, and the deeply wounded family is off to the wilderness. Terrence is fairly strung out, chasing Scotch whisky with Xanax while his kids are in the room. That is some self-destructive behavior. There is no other way to put it. It can also lead to blackouts, from which Terrence begins to suffer. This is especially bad out in the woods, as it appears something...is out there, wanting to get in to the house. Continue reading “Barricade”