October Horrorshow: Barricade

Barricade movie posterNever judge a book by its cover. Or, in this case, never judge a movie by its production company, unless it’s a movie by The Asylum. Barricade, written by Michaelbrent Collings, and directed by Andrew Currie, is a case in point. Right there in the opening credits, there it is: the logo for the WWE, Vince McMahon’s wrestling entertainment behemoth. Barricade is one of the growing stable of films released by WWE Studios, the Hollywood offshoot of the parent company. This company is responsible for such films as The Marine and See No Evil, both featuring WWE wrestlers in starring roles. Looking at their IMDb page, one of their upcoming, straight to video releases, will be Jingle All the Way 2. Oh, horror. On paper, Barricade doesn’t look all that promising. But, as any sports fan can tell a viewer, how a team looks on paper can differ substantially from what happens when the games are played.

Barricade follows Terrence Shade (Eric McCormack) and his two children, Cynthia and Jake (Conner Dwelly and Ryan Grantham), as they try to celebrate Christmas following the tragic death of their mother. Mom had some big plans for Christmas, wanting the family to spend the holidays at a cabin in the woods. Now that she’s dead, Terrence decides to carry out his wife’s wishes, and the deeply wounded family is off to the wilderness. Terrence is fairly strung out, chasing Scotch whisky with Xanax while his kids are in the room. That is some self-destructive behavior. There is no other way to put it. It can also lead to blackouts, from which Terrence begins to suffer. This is especially bad out in the woods, as it appears something...is out there, wanting to get in to the house. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Barricade”

October Horrorshow: Phantoms

Phantoms movie posterPeter O’Toole was one of the greatest actors who ever lived, perhaps. He was classically trained and made a name for himself on the English stage. He was nominated for Oscars for his performances eight times, yet never won. One of his roles, that of T.E. Lawrence in the epic Lawrence of Arabia, will survive for hundreds of years, at least. By the latter stages of his career, grand roles evaporated, and he was stuck, for the most part, in roles that provided a payday, yet little glory.

O’Toole was in his mid-60s when he filmed Phantoms, the cheap horror film from 1998 directed by Joe Chappelle and penned by Dean Koontz, adapting one of his own novels. But he looked older, his once hard-drinking lifestyle having taken its toll. Phantoms may have just been a paycheck for O’Toole, but if he mailed it in, I couldn’t tell. We’ve all seen aging stars blow in and out of a movie like a hurricane of contempt, gracing the production with their talented, god-like presences, but O’Toole let none such pretense leech into the performance itself. His natural snobbishness was apparent, but he was a pro. For that, I thank him.

As for the rest of the film...yikes. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Phantoms”

October Horrorshow: Galaxy of Terror

Galaxy of Terror movie posterRoger Corman is a Hollywood legend. Some of the biggest names in the business went through his gristmill. Jack Nicholson, Francis Ford Coppola, James Cameron, and more, all spent early portions of their careers under Corman. But, I’m not convinced that Corman is a visionary. His flicks represent the basest elements of filmmaking, crafted to make a quick buck, and not much else. Because of that, I would say that I find more Corman influence in films by The Asylum and their ilk, rather than Oscar winners like The Godfather.

Today’s film is a case in point. Corman didn’t direct Galaxy of Terror, the sci-fi/horror shitfest from 1981, but he did produce it. Meanwhile, the fellow who did direct it, Bruce D. Clark, appears to have fallen off the face of the planet after this flick was in the can, if his IMDb page is any indication. This is one of the most inept films I’ve ever seen, so it’s no wonder the work dried up after Clark was done, but his direction was no worse, and no better, than any random Corman flick a viewer could find. The pacing is somnambulistic; the plot is derivative of other works, to the point of outright thievery; the cast is low-rent and awful (although even Meryl Streep couldn’t weave gold thread from this turd); and the entire package looks like it took about five bucks to film. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Galaxy of Terror”

October Horrorshow: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Look at that title. Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Of all the cinematic interpretations of the classic horror tale, only this one has the original author’s name in the title. It’s a nice touch, and easily differentiates the film from all the others. But, if a viewer is like me, they will wonder if such a title isn’t a tiny bit disingenuous. When I think of this film, I think of it as Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula. His vision, and his touch, both deft and clumsy, is so evident throughout that he has made the material his own. Mr. Stoker didn’t need to have his name attached (except for legal reasons, apparently). Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Bram Stoker’s Dracula”

October Horrorshow: Attack of the Crab Monsters

There haven’t been a whole lot of giant monster flicks here in the October Horrorshow. There have been plenty of zombies, gaggles of slashers, a smattering of aliens, some killer viruses, and even a couple of vampires. But giant monsters, the bread and butter of classic directors of cinematic schlock such as Bert I. Gordon and Roger Corman, have been largely missing. There isn’t really any reason for this oversight. Maybe it has something to do with the heyday of the genre having come so long ago. Whatever the reason, for today, the oversight has been rectified. And what a doozy it is. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Attack of the Crab Monsters”

October Horrorshow: Oculus

Of late I have been becoming more and more worried that stories hold no more surprises for me. Books, film, television shows, video games...no matter the delivery method, at some point during the story everything seems so familiar that it can feel as if plot and dialogue are being sprung from my own mind and brought to mediocre life before me. After decades on this earth, it seems that there is nothing new to behold. Rather, it’s the same stories told over and over again, just with new packaging. In fact, this observation of mine is nothing new. Even the bible has something to say. In the first chapter of Ecclesiastes, there is this: “All things are wearisome; Man is not able to tell it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, Nor is the ear filled with hearing. That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one might say, ‘See this, it is new’? Already it has existed for ages Which were before us.” Man, if a two-thousand year old bible verse laments lack of originality, what hope do I have in watching horror movies? Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Oculus”

October Horrorshow: Below

Below movie posterA ghost story that takes place aboard a World War II submarine. Sometimes I think there are suggestion boxes mounted next to the water cooler at movie studios and once a month the big mogul dips has fat fingers inside to root around for a new idea. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for a movie like Below being greenlit. Luckily for us viewers, just because a movie has kind of a silly idea, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be a bad movie.

Film history is scattered throughout with ridiculous premises and outlandish plots that somehow worked. There was Jaws, about the eternal conflict between a fish and people who live on land. Or there is the abundance of superhero flicks. Take just a second to think about how stupid an idea superheroes are. Very fit people dress like professional wrestlers and save the world, repeatedly, from the machinations of megalomaniacs who always seem to lack any coherent reason for their evil. Yet billions of dollars have been made in this genre. What the hell is the matter with us?

So, a ghost story on a submarine? There have been worse ideas. And this film has a pedigree that makes it stand out. Below was directed by David Twohy, who managed to make another stupid idea work in Pitch Black, and was written by Twohy, Lucas Sussman, and Darren Aronofsky(!). That’s right. The dude who made Pi was one of the screenwriters of this flick. According to the internet, Aronofsky was set to direct Below, but left the project to pursue Requiem for a Dream. One of the most cerebral directors working in film today almost directed a studio horror film. I can only imagine how his version would have played out. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: Below”

October Horrorshow: The Blair Witch Project

The last time I saw this movie, before watching it for this review, was the night it opened at the Angelika on Houston St. in 1999. That was my first summer in New York City. I was young, poor, and my eyes still boggled at the sights of the big city. The future was so bright that I didn’t mind the cumulative petty annoyances that make living in a city a daily trial. I was hooked. I was in love. I didn’t mind that with the bright lights and creative people came a dastardly assault on the senses. The piercing screech of a 6 train entering Union Square was just a touch of realism, even as blood trickled from my ruptured ear drums. The sweltering summer heat cooking a bouquet of urine and dead fish from the city’s sidewalks was a small price to pay for urban dynamism. A strong scent is the mark of a people’s presence, and there can’t be a great city without lots and lots of people. Continue reading “October Horrorshow: The Blair Witch Project”