John Milius must have a violence jones. That’s the only explanation for the films in which he’s played a pivotal part. He wrote Apocalypse Now, which turned war into hallucinatory spectacle, wrote and directed Red Dawn, considered by some at the time to be the most violent film ever made (no, it was not), and wrote and directed Conan the Barbarian, which really was the most violent film ever made at the time. I remember my first encounter with Conan the Barbarian. It was late one night when I was very young. I was supposed to be in bed, but from downstairs, I heard the television. Great clashes of bombastic music and the sounds of screaming warriors made their way up the steps, and I had to see what craziness the old man was watching. I should have known better. Continue reading “Schwarzenegger Month: Conan the Barbarian”
Schwarzenegger Month: Stay Hungry
Stay Hungry, from director Bob Rafelson, was not Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first time in front of the camera, but he’s given an ‘introducing’ billing nonetheless. And why the hell not? It’s not like anyone saw Hercules in New York. Continue reading “Schwarzenegger Month: Stay Hungry”
Schwarzenegger Month: Hercules in New York
For no reason other than that I feel like it, I hereby declare this to be Arnold Schwarzenegger month at Missile Test. His Arnoldness has 54 acting credits to his name on IMDb. I’m going to watch a whole boatload of them and write some reviews. I’m looking forward to hours upon hours of explosions, gunfights, and rough accents. The first flick has only one of those, but it depends on which print a viewer manages to see.
Hercules in New York marks the debut performance of Arnold Schwarzenegger. What a gloriously stupid movie. Having watched it, it’s amazing this man became one of the most famous actors of all time. Sure, everyone has humble origins, but I can’t think of a star’s early work being quite this humble. George Clooney had a role in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. Matthew McConaughey was once in a shitty Texas Chainsaw flick. Paul Rudd was in an awful Halloween movie. Hilary Swank, she of the double Oscar, was once kicking ass with Pat Morita as The Next Karate Kid. But one thing these three all had in common was that there was budding talent on display in their bad movies. This movie, in no way, makes it seem that Arnold is a decade or so from making a run as a big time movie star. Continue reading “Schwarzenegger Month: Hercules in New York”
Well, That Was a Fast Decade
Ten years ago today, Missile Test began as a short little blurb on my personal site lamenting the fact that every day New Yorkers like myself were playing a ‘grim lottery,’ whereby we placed our personal safety in the hands of fate. It hadn’t yet been three years since the 9/11 attacks, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were raging, and every person in this city knew it was impossible to guarantee the safety of its citizens. Everywhere a person looked, there were opportunities for mischief. Continue reading “Well, That Was a Fast Decade”
The Empty Balcony: American Hustle
Five minutes into American Hustle, I realized I probably was not going to like the film. I stuck around for the next two hours, but the film never grabbed me. It has been praised by critics, but I consider myself kin to the many other viewers who left the film feeling apathetic. Us emotionless millions, unmoved by a film with such heavyweights, such ACTING — we are legion. Continue reading “The Empty Balcony: American Hustle”
Shitty Movie Sundays: Doggie B
[Normally, I’d have a trailer for a movie here. Not this time. You want to see a trailer for Doggie B, you find it without my help.]
Netflix continues to impress me with its selection of terrible movies to stream. Thanks to an unsustainable subscription model, the site is packed full with the dregs of Hollywood. Once, many years ago, I gave the local ABC affiliate here in New York shit for purchasing cheap movies to show late at night. Well, whoever that poor programming director happened to be at the time, I have to apologize. You brought me such gems as The Hillz and Theodore Rex, but as bad as those movies are, they are Oscar contenders compared to Doggie B.
The Cross
Come on, atheists. You’re protesting a cross in the 9/11 Museum? I know you don’t believe God can hear you, but you realize the rest of us can, right?
— Stephen Colbert in his opening routine, March 10th
Colbert had some fun at the expense of David Silverman and American Atheists, the non-profit Silverman runs. American Atheists filed a lawsuit to have a steel cross that was cut from the wreckage at Ground Zero removed from the memorial on site. The lawsuit stems from the fact that the site is public property owned by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, and the memorial receives public funding. The case is hardly cut and dry, though. If it were, there would be little argument. The cross has no business in a public facility, as its mere presence is an endorsement of religion. There are plans for the site to include other religious symbols, as well, but none on the scale and prominence of the cross. Continue reading “The Cross”
The Shitty Movie Sundays Awards
The Academy Awards were last night. But more importantly, I handed out the Second Annual Empty Balcony Awards for Movies I Saw From Last Year. Those awards are self-explanatory, but a quick rundown is in order. I did not see all the films that were nominated for Oscars. In fact, I only saw a handful, so there’s no way I could offer an honest opinion on the winners and losers. For example, the top categories are best picture, director, the acting categories, and the two screenplay categories. Of all the winners, the only film from last year that I saw was Gravity, for which Alfonso Cuarón won best director. So, I made my own awards. Cuarón didn’t win best director in my awards, but he was nominated, so that’s an honor, I guess. Continue reading “The Shitty Movie Sundays Awards”
The Second Annual Empty Balcony Awards for Movies I Saw From Last Year
When the Oscars aired last year, I was surprised to find that I had not (at the time) seen a single film that was nominated in any of the top categories. Because of that, I felt I couldn’t offer an opinion on how the awards were dished out, nor participate in Oscar night fun. But, I had seen quite a number of movies from the previous year, and I wanted to weigh in on some level. And lo, the Empty Balcony Awards were born. Continue reading “The Second Annual Empty Balcony Awards for Movies I Saw From Last Year”
The Empty Balcony: Europa Report
Europa Report is a film that exists on the verge of being good. There is certainly a good premise behind the story, but the film falls just short of telling that story effectively. Continue reading “The Empty Balcony: Europa Report”