Bad CGI – Page 3 – Missile Test

Road House (2024)

Road House, the original from 1989, occupies hallowed ground here at Shitty Movie Sundays, in the top spot of the Watchability Index. It’s an unassailable movie, the embodiment of SMS’s informal slogan, “All bad movies are shitty, but not all shitty movies are bad.” From beginning to end, it’s an absurdist romp into the excesses of contemporary Hollywood action, the purest expression of the golden age of the genre that was the 1980s. There was little possibility that the 2024 remake would be better or more engaging, so I’m not going to hold it to the original’s standards.

Released just a couple of weeks ago after a decade of development hell, Road House comes to us from screenwriters Anthony Bagarozzi and Chuck Mondry, and was helmed by Doug Liman. Continue reading “Road House (2024)”

Wrecker (2022)

Wrecker 2022 DVD box Outsider filmmakers with a dream are the best kinds of filmmakers. These are the folks who get it into their heads to make a movie regardless of massive obstacles. All the things that make filmmaking difficult are mere challenges to overcome, annoyances to bypass. What requires a small army to get done in Hollywood, they do themselves. Of course, the final product betrays the humble nature of these movies, even when they are 127 minutes of bombastic insanity.

Bryan Brooks had a very limited career in film before 2022’s Wrecker, appearing in a handful of shorts and doing some work as a grip. If the internet is to be believed, Brooks had an epiphany while he was pinned beneath an 800-pound crab pot on a boat in the Bering Sea. After his shipmates lifted the cage and his lungs took in precious lifegiving air, Brooks took stock of his life and decided that filmmaking was his life’s calling. What followed was a decade of painstaking study of the craft of film before he unleashed his talents on the moviegoing public. It’s almost a superhero origin story. I don’t care if any of it is true. A little mythmaking in the b-movie movie industry never hurt anyone. Continue reading “Wrecker (2022)”

Enemies Closer (2013)

Jack Webb and Harry Morgan. Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul. Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal (this actually happened). Buddy action duos extraordinaire. Now, get ready for…Tom Everett Scott and Orlando Jones?

Today’s film is proof that actors aren’t the only Hollywood folk that slum it in the latter stages of their careers. Peter Hyams, who had a decent run as a mainstream filmmaker, including that aforementioned Hines and Crystal collab, wrapped up his directorial career with Enemies Closer. He was a hired gun for this flick, and, if information on the internet can be trusted, was intrigued by the prospect of shooting a low-budget action flick with a tight shooting schedule. Whatever the reason was for taking on this project, his skill as a filmmaker is probably what keeps this flick from falling into the nether reaches of the Watchability Index. Continue reading “Enemies Closer (2013)”

Money Plane

One would think that professional wrestlers are tailormade action stars. They are athletic, charismatic, decent at improv, and willing to do just about anything to put on a good show. Also, one of the most important weapons in a wrestler’s arsenal is the ability to play a character. These men and women spend months or years crafting characters to which roaring crowds respond, either favorably, in the case of faces, or with gleeful jeers, in the case of heels. These are people who know how to work crowds, but remove the crowds, leaving nothing but cameras and crew, and the vast majority of wrestlers turned actor seem a bit lost. Continue reading “Money Plane”

The Space-Fighter

The Space-Fighter movie poster There is some mythmaking surrounding today’s film, so a little internet detective work was called for.

The Space-Fighter, according to its credits, is a production of The Stryker Brothers, Michael and Matthew. They wrote, directed, produced, starred, and handled the digital effects. On the IMDb page for the film, though, the credited director is Matthew Arnashus, who also stars as Vic Rider. Vic’s brother in the film, Ken, is credited to Michael Jean. However, Vic and Ken are clearly twins. But, are they?

Some more digging in the tubes has turned up info that Matthew Arnashus is a freelance editor and voiceover actor working out of the Chicago area. He has a brother named Michael, but I couldn’t find out if they had the same birthdate, because I’m not going to pay some sketchy white pages site for that information.

The reason the birthdate for Michael is something I was poking around for is because of how this movie was shot. Vic and Ken are twins, but in many scenes the two share, it was shot as if a single actor was playing the two characters, with them rarely sharing the same shot, and the occasional use of a body double. Yet, in the first scene in which they appear, it looks very much like there wasn’t any trickery involved. It’s a mystery. Maybe there were scheduling conflicts keeping one or the other away from the set. Maybe they were just messing with poor viewers like me. Anyway… Continue reading “The Space-Fighter”

The Wax Mask, aka M.D.C. – Maschera di cera

According to the internet, so it must be true, after Dario Argento saw that Italian film auteur Lucio Fulci was in ill-health in the mid 1990s, he decided to throw him a project. Argento and Fulci didn’t get along that well, however, so pre-production stretched on longer than it should have. Then Fulci died, and the project was passed to first-time director Sergio Stivaletti, who had been an established special effects tech for over a decade. The result was The Wax Mask, which was different enough from 1953’s House of Wax to keep Argento and the other producers from being sued.

The film opens on a grisly murder scene in Paris in the year 1900. A man and his wife have been cut to ribbons, with their young daughter a survivor and witness to the brutal crime. Fast forward to Rome a dozen years later and the girl has grown into a woman. Sonia Lafont (Romina Mondello) has arrived in Rome to seek a career as a costume designer. She gets a job at a soon to be opened wax museum run by the mysterious Boris Volkoff (Robert Hossein), who becomes enamored with Sonia at first sight. Continue reading “The Wax Mask, aka M.D.C. – Maschera di cera”

Slime City Massacre

I couldn’t let October go by and let Zombie Island Massacre be the final film from the Troma stable featured in this year’s Horrorshow. Their catalogue, both the films they produce and the ones they distribute, are hit or miss for fans of b-movies. Zombie Island Massacre is well-liked enough that Joe Bob Briggs hosted it on his show way back in the 1990s, but I didn’t see the appeal. Consider this a makeup post.

Slime City Massacre, from 2010, is a project from low-budget auteur Gregory Lamberson, and is a sequel to his debut feature from 1988, Slime City.

An introduction, and a couple of flashbacks here and there, take place in 1959. There, a cult leader named Zachary (Craig Sabin) has gathered a flock. In anticipation of the end of the world or something, Zachary uses black magic to transfer the souls of he and his believers into jars of fluorescent goo. He also whips up a batch of cursed hooch that, when combined with eating the slime, will transfer the stored souls into the poor victim who imbibed. Continue reading “Slime City Massacre”

The Lake (2022, Thailand)

There haven’t been many films from Thailand here in the Horrorshow, despite there being a nice little industry for the horror genre in that country, going back decades. Ghost and supernatural films seem to be de rigueur. Today’s film, though, is a monster flick that was done in by its storytelling and some bargain basement dubbing.

The Lake, from writer/director Lee Thongkham, tells the story of a pair of monsters that emerge from a lake and begin terrorizing the surrounding village and city.

In the opening scene of the film, audiences see some villagers out on the lake at night, and a big monster appears. It’s not kaiju-sized, but it could give a real life Tyrannosaurus fits. But, that’s not the only monster. The next day a more human-sized scaly biped emerges from the lake, and that’s the beast that wreaks the most havoc. Continue reading “The Lake (2022, Thailand)”

Feeders

The Polonia Brothers continue to impress, and not always in a good way. Their 1996 movie, Feeders, which they directed with Jon McBride, is a case in point. Shot over the course of a few days in 1994, the production came eight years and five movies after Hallucinations, yet one would be hard-pressed to point out where they have grown as filmmakers.

In plot, they have regressed. In their ability to direct acting talent, they have regressed. Worst of all, in special effects, they have regressed. Continue reading “Feeders”

Triassic Hunt

Triassic Hunt box art Once upon a time, Roger Corman held the title of most shameless filmmaker in Hollywood. It seemed there wasn’t any low to which he would stoop in order to make a buck, often at the expense of his movies. But, there was still liveliness in his productions. Corman could make a good movie, and he had an eye for talent. The young, hungry filmmakers he had in his stable could be relied upon to repair much of the damage caused by Corman’s ruthless frugality.

The Asylum is the current champion of shamelessness. Their business model of piggybacking off of the success of better films is nothing new in Hollywood. Ripoffs are just part of the economy of film. It’s the efficiency with which they capitalize on trends that makes them unique. Their mockbusters are often released before the big studio material they are ripping off, and they have titles designed to rope in unsuspecting, or undiscerning, viewers.

Their mockbusters have production values that are amongst the worst in film, with talent and story to match. They have mastered a paint-by-numbers approach to cheap filmmaking, to the point that their movies are indistinguishable from each other, once one gets past the surface features. Continue reading “Triassic Hunt”