Crime Flick – Missile Test

Omega Syndrome

We usually prefer our 1980s shitty action flicks to have come from Cannon or Action International Pictures. Those two companies have warmed up many a chilly night in the Missile Test compound. But, New World Pictures, Roger Corman’s behemoth, could be counted on to take a break from its regularly scheduled horror, sci-fi, and good movies, to churn out a suitable action stinker.

Today’s film is Omega Syndrome, which is obscure enough that it isn’t, as of this writing, on the list of New World Pictures’ films on their Wikipedia page. But, their logo is right there at the beginning of the movie. Continue reading “Omega Syndrome”

Skin Trade

This flick was close, oh, so close, to not making the cut for Shitty Movie Sundays. We have an informal slogan here at SMS: Not every shitty movie is bad, but every bad movie is shitty. Skin Trade, from 2014, is not a bad movie. It’s better than mediocre. It’s damned entertaining and on occasion dips its toes into being good. It’s a cheapie action flick that one has to actively scan for its failings. It’s the ersatz stuff that sealed the deal. The poor CGI muzzle flashes and blood spatters; the poor CGI backgrounds in driving scenes; the poor CGI explosions and fire. Yeah, it was mostly the poor CGI. It was a symptom of this flick’s low budget and the willingness of the filmmakers to take shortcuts. I wouldn’t say that it doomed this flick to a spot in the Watchability Index (because inclusion is an HONOR), but a little more flexibility in director Ekachai Uekrongtham’s budget would have worked wonders. Continue reading “Skin Trade”

Deadly Force

Shitty Movie Sundays All-Star Wings Hauser has one of the best 1980s action flick character introductions in Deadly Force, from 1983. Viewers first see him on the gritty streets of New York City, playing a game best described as ‘rat roulette.’ Next, he’s drunkenly tickling piano keys in a bar, not without some competence. Then he’s a passenger in a speeding cab driven by none other than Estelle Getty. Finally, with complete disregard for his personal safety, he talks a distraught suicide bomber out of blowing up himself and everyone around him. And he does all of this before he hops on a plane to Los Angeles, called west by an old friend, Sam (Al Ruscio), whose granddaughter has fallen victim to a serial killer. Continue reading “Deadly Force”

The Choppers

It’s been many years since The Sadist bumped Deep Blue Sea out of the top five of the SMS Watchability Index. It wasn’t a total package deal. Slotting The Sadist so high in the Index, indeed, the fact it made the Index at all, was due to the singular performance of one Arch Hall, Jr. as a psychotic spree killer. His squinty sneer, like squishing down the face of a chubby baby, combined with his delivery and his ersatz aggressive body language, was a treat of gangster flick-style exaggeration. He was like a Saturday Night Live version of James Cagney, only he wasn’t joking. Continue reading “The Choppers”

The Super Cops

What a gloriously stupid movie. The Super Cops, an adaptation of a nonfiction book titled The Super Cops: The True Story of the Cops Called Batman and Robin by L.H. Whittemore, follows officers Dave Greenberg (Ron Leibman) and Robert Hantz (David Selby) as they tear through the criminal element of Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. At no point does director Gordon Parks go for realism. Greenberg and Hantz, aka Batman and Robin, throw themselves at suspects with abandon and total lack of skill. They yell, flail about, fall, punch, jump, leap, climb, roll, bash, karate chop, kick, knee, shoot their pistols, and look like total idiots doing it. Remember, these guys are supposed to be super cops, but they’re really a pair of clowns. Continue reading “The Super Cops”

City Cops, aka Miao tan shuang long, aka Free Fighter

City Cops movie poster Way back in the 1980s and ’90s, martial artist Cynthia Rothrock was one of the queens of late night cable television. Unlike others, such as Shannon Tweed, who were known for their topless contributions to b-movies, Rothrock was an ass kicker. In her flicks, she usually played a tough cop who used her black belt skills to kick ass all over Southern California. Today’s film is a bit of a departure. Not because she didn’t play a cop or didn’t kick any ass, but because she pulled heavy supporting duties in a Hong Kong martial arts flick, something she did only a handful of times in her extensive career.

From 1989 comes City Cops, from director Liu Chia-Yung, who was mostly known for acting and stunt work.

The film follows Hong Kong cops Ching Shing (Michael Kiu Wai Miu) and Tai Kau (Shing Fui-On), as they search for fugitive Kent Tong (played by, and this is not a typo, Kent Tong). Tong fled the United States with an audio tape containing evidence of crimes, or something. The tape matters less as a MacGuffin than Kent Tong. Flying in from the States is Inspector Cindy of the FBI (Rothrock). Continue reading “City Cops, aka Miao tan shuang long, aka Free Fighter”

Hard Ticket to Hawaii

What a gloriously stupid movie. Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Andy Sidaris’s magnum opus from 1987, is not the most watchable shitty movie of all time, but it is a contender for the ‘so bad it’s good’ championship belt. It’s a subtle distinction, I know. But, if boxing can have dozens of belts, why deny such granular categorization to misfit movies?

Written and directed by Sidaris, Hard Ticket is very self-aware. There are no pretensions of narrative weight, or, since this is an action flick, realistic violence. This is a bloody flick, to be sure, but it’s how the blood is spilt that is hooey (see, skateboard scene, frisbee scene). Continue reading “Hard Ticket to Hawaii”

The Bodyguard, aka Bodyguard Kiba

Once upon a time, Sonny Chiba starred in a film adaptation of Bodyguard Kiba, a popular manga by Ikki Kajiwara. Chiba played the titular Kiba, who offers his services to anyone willing to expose crime and corruption. Perhaps, with Kiba’s protection, his clients will live long enough to see justice done.

As happened quite frequently with movies and TV shows from overseas, an American distributor got ahold of the rights, and released a bastardized version here in the States. Bodyguard Kiba became The Bodyguard; the name of Kiba’s character was changed to ‘Sonny Chiba,’ so the flick now features Sonny Chiba playing Sonny Chiba; and ten minutes of new footage shot in Times Square, that has nothing to do with the rest of the film, was added at the beginning. Oh, and the film opens with a reading of Ezekiel 25:17, just like Jules Winnfield says it early in Pulp Fiction, misquote and all. (The more genre films from the 1970s I see, the more I see where Quentin Tarantino found his influence. In fact, it seems as if his entire career has been remaking the movies he saw in his adolescence, bringing a high sheen to exploitation cinema. But, that’s an article for another day.) Continue reading “The Bodyguard, aka Bodyguard Kiba”

Champagne and Bullets, aka GetEven, aka Road to Revenge

Vanity projects are a fact of Hollywood business. Occasionally a star gets enough juice that they force a studio to make the movie they want to do, on their terms. Just about every big star has a vanity project or two in their filmography. Sylvester Stallone used the power he gained after the success of Rocky to make Paradise Alley. Sean Connery convinced United Artists to back The Offence. John Travolta used up every ounce of his power and influence to make Battlefield Earth. Even Madonna got in on the act with the remake of Lina Wertmuller’s classic Swept Away. One thing readers should notice about these examples…they’re all bad movies. Continue reading “Champagne and Bullets, aka GetEven, aka Road to Revenge”

Overkill (1987)

Overkill 1987 movie poster I’m going to do something that would make all the journalists in my family, living and dead, recoil. I’m going to quote Wikipedia. Of filmmaker Ulli Lommel, the unpaid army of contributors at Wikipedia sayeth:

[He] was a German actor and director, noted for his many collaborations with Rainier Werner Fassbinder and his association with the New German Cinema movement. Lommel spent time at The Factory and was a creative associate of Andy Warhol, with whom he made several films and works of art.

This guy was a high-falutin’ artist. At some point in the 1980s, though, Lommel threw off the shackles of fine art and dedicated himself to a career in shitty movies. Thus freed, he brought viewers a string of glorious cheese, including Overkill, from 1987, which he wrote (with David Scott Kroes), produced, and directed.

Overkill follows Los Angeles cop Mickey Delano, played by Steve Rally, whose main claim to fame is being a three-time Playgirl Magazine centerfold (there is even a brief scene where Delano, undercover, shakes it as a male stripper). Continue reading “Overkill (1987)”