October Horrorshow: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

Deciding to write about a particular movie has some unexpected difficulties (pardon me while I moan). I don’t get paid for writing about movies. I do this only because I feel like it. That is why there is little rhyme or reason when it comes to the reviews. I go where the mood takes me. But sometimes I get the urge to write a series of reviews, and make the decision to write a review before I watch a movie, rather than after. The distinction is important. If a film really grabs me, for whatever reason, I am more likely to write a review than not. But if a film is anonymous, leaving me troubling to recall what I saw mere hours after the credits rolled, then I probably will not bother with a review. How, then, to treat Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth? I decided to write this review as a follow-up to Hellraiser II, a film that was better than I expected. But this... Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth”

October Horrorshow: Hellbound: Hellraiser II

It’s not a good sign for a sequel when there is not one, but two recaps of the previous film within the first twenty minutes. The Friday the 13th franchise used to have recaps at the beginning of every movie, but that was to pad runtime. In essence, recaps, sometimes in the form of extended flashbacks, are lazy filmmaking, entrusting big chunks of storytelling to a predecessor’s efforts. But, Hellbound’s director Tony Randel must have learned the technique as producer on Godzilla 1985, a film that was a recut bastardization of the Toho release, Return of Godzilla. Godzilla flicks are fun but they are stupid. They are stupid fun, I guess. Randel was part of a team that found a way to make a Godzilla flick even more stupid. Hopes were not high for this film. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Hellbound: Hellraiser II”

October Horrorshow: Blood Glacier

One of the reasons I like films in other languages is the subtitles force a viewer to pay attention. I’m just as bad as anyone else at juggling their technological experiences in the 21st century. I’ve been conditioned by products and my own indulgences to never be satisfied with just sitting still and watching one single thing. While watching football games or movies in English, I can keep up the pretense that multi-tasking is possible, as my attention wanders to whatever device is at hand. I can convince myself that listening provides the same experience as watching, even while my attention shifts completely to a website or messaging app. But not with a movie that has subtitles. If I want to have any sort of understanding of events on screen, I have to read those little lines of translated dialogue or I’m completely lost. Idea: watch movies in English with the sound down so low I have to use captioning. That should keep me interested, right? Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Blood Glacier”

October Horrorshow: Willow Creek

Oh, no. Not another found footage horror flick featuring amateur filmmakers traipsing around the woods. A big part of me, bigger than I would like to admit, wishes that filmmakers would just stop with this nonsense. Found footage is a grossly overdone gimmick in horror films. Consequently, the bar for success has been raised so high that only the most talented of filmmakers can hope to produce a film that adds anything to this tired method of storytelling. So, sorry in advance, Bobcat, but I did not go into your film with the highest expectations. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Willow Creek”

October Horrorshow: Phantoms

Phantoms movie posterPeter O’Toole was one of the greatest actors who ever lived, perhaps. He was classically trained and made a name for himself on the English stage. He was nominated for Oscars for his performances eight times, yet never won. One of his roles, that of T.E. Lawrence in the epic Lawrence of Arabia, will survive for hundreds of years, at least. By the latter stages of his career, grand roles evaporated, and he was stuck, for the most part, in roles that provided a payday, yet little glory.

O’Toole was in his mid-60s when he filmed Phantoms, the cheap horror film from 1998 directed by Joe Chappelle and penned by Dean Koontz, adapting one of his own novels. But he looked older, his once hard-drinking lifestyle having taken its toll. Phantoms may have just been a paycheck for O’Toole, but if he mailed it in, I couldn’t tell. We’ve all seen aging stars blow in and out of a movie like a hurricane of contempt, gracing the production with their talented, god-like presences, but O’Toole let none such pretense leech into the performance itself. His natural snobbishness was apparent, but he was a pro. For that, I thank him.

As for the rest of the film...yikes. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Phantoms”

October Horrorshow: Galaxy of Terror

Galaxy of Terror movie posterRoger Corman is a Hollywood legend. Some of the biggest names in the business went through his gristmill. Jack Nicholson, Francis Ford Coppola, James Cameron, and more, all spent early portions of their careers under Corman. But, I’m not convinced that Corman is a visionary. His flicks represent the basest elements of filmmaking, crafted to make a quick buck, and not much else. Because of that, I would say that I find more Corman influence in films by The Asylum and their ilk, rather than Oscar winners like The Godfather.

Today’s film is a case in point. Corman didn’t direct Galaxy of Terror, the sci-fi/horror shitfest from 1981, but he did produce it. Meanwhile, the fellow who did direct it, Bruce D. Clark, appears to have fallen off the face of the planet after this flick was in the can, if his IMDb page is any indication. This is one of the most inept films I’ve ever seen, so it’s no wonder the work dried up after Clark was done, but his direction was no worse, and no better, than any random Corman flick a viewer could find. The pacing is somnambulistic; the plot is derivative of other works, to the point of outright thievery; the cast is low-rent and awful (although even Meryl Streep couldn’t weave gold thread from this turd); and the entire package looks like it took about five bucks to film. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Galaxy of Terror”

October Horrorshow: Attack of the Crab Monsters

There haven’t been a whole lot of giant monster flicks here in the October Horrorshow. There have been plenty of zombies, gaggles of slashers, a smattering of aliens, some killer viruses, and even a couple of vampires. But giant monsters, the bread and butter of classic directors of cinematic schlock such as Bert I. Gordon and Roger Corman, have been largely missing. There isn’t really any reason for this oversight. Maybe it has something to do with the heyday of the genre having come so long ago. Whatever the reason, for today, the oversight has been rectified. And what a doozy it is. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Attack of the Crab Monsters”

October Horrorshow: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

I don’t know why I punish myself with this film series. Maybe it’s a schoolboy crush on Milla Jovovich, because just like every other film in this series, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is a woeful piece of garbage. I’ve sat through it three times, now. I’m making a promise to myself. Never again. I will never watch this awful movie, or any of the others that have been made to this point, ever again. Except for Resident Evil: Afterlife. I need to watch that one more time so I can write a review. But after that, I’m done. Except for when the sixth movie comes out. Then, absolutely for sure, no more Resident Evil films will pass before these eyes of mine. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Resident Evil: Apocalypse”

October Horrorshow: Stake Land

Stake LandA couple years back, I wanted to read Pet Sematary. These days, I prefer epubs to printed books. But believe it or not, the only epub edition I could find of that book, without torrenting a bootleg copy riddled with scanning errors, was in German. So, I had to go to a bookstore, something I hadn’t done in a long time. I found a mass-market paperback copy on the horror shelf of a Barnes & Noble near the World Trade Center. I could have been in and out of the store like a flash, but failure to browse in a bookstore is an intellectual misdemeanor, so I took a look around. When I think of a bookstore, the genres on the shelves tend to hold steady. Fiction and literature, horror, mystery, nonfiction, supernatural teen romance...huh?

That shelf caught me by surprise. I knew Twilight was a big thing, but until I walked into that bookstore, I had no idea that supernatural teen romance was a standalone genre, much less that it could command thirty feet of shelf space. That’s pretty damned impressive, but also makes soon-to-be middle-aged male me gag just a little bit. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Stake Land”

October Horrorshow: The Keep

What a weird fucking movie. I’m glad I watched it.

The Keep, from 1983, was Michael Mann’s second directorial effort, coming two years after Thief. The film tells the story of a unit of German soldiers who occupy a remote castle keep in Romania during World War II. But, this is no normal keep. The walls are inset throughout with over two hundred crosses made of nickel. The battlements appear designed not to keep an invading army outside of the walls, but rather to keep something in. There’s even a creepy caretaker on site to make sure that anyone who crosses the threshold knows the story of all those before who tried to spend a single night in THE KEEP. Spooky. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: The Keep”