October Horrorshow: Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave

“Ugh. I hope this isn’t a waste of my fucking time.” So said I before I hit ‘play.’ I’m not kidding. Those were the words that came out of my mouth. Considering how much time I spend watching shitty movies, I really have to have low expectations going into a film if I’m worried about whether it will constitute a waste of said time. Oh, God. I’ve wasted my life.

The evidence is never stronger than when I watch a movie such as Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave. This is a putrid film. There are no redeeming qualities to it whatsoever. The plot stinks, the dialog stinks, the f/x stinks, the acting stinks...there is nothing about this movie that could compel anyone to watch it. The only appeal the filmmakers made was to our shallowness, hence the numerous gratuitous tit shots scattered throughout. But even they only serve to reinforce just how bad a movie the viewer is watching. Piranha 3D had more gratuitous nudity and senseless gore than this dog, and it was miles better.

I’m trying my best, but I find I’m having a hard time expressing just how much I hate this movie. I hate this movie more than House of the Dead. I hate this movie more than seeing the dentist. I hate this movie more than having a bad hangover. I hate this movie more than hemorrhoids. I hate this movie more than the flu. I hate this movie more than finding roaches in my kitchen. I hate this movie more than figuring out Santa Claus didn’t exist. I hate this movie so much than I cannot justify even coming close to my 600-word minimum for film reviews. I hate this movie so much that I have to advise my Loyal Seven readers to never, ever see it. I hate this movie so much, that were I given a choice about what movie would play nonstop in hell for all eternity, I would choose Alien: Resurrection before I would choose Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave.

Please, stay away from this movie. I am not joking.