Shitty Movie Sundays: City on Fire

It was not just Irwin Allen who could make a shitty disaster movie. There are always plenty of filmmakers in Hollywood with big, but slightly blurred, vision. The spectacle is the thing, accompanied by a bevy of stars, past and present, willing to slum it in something crummy.

City on Fire, from 1979, is a joint Canadian-American production from director Alvin Rakoff, from a script by notable blaxploitation filmmaker Jack Hill, David P. Lewis, and Céline La Frenière. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: City on Fire”

Shitty Movie Sundays: The Shape of Things to Come

The Shape of Things to ComeA lot of filmmakers in the late 1970s wanted to get some of that sweet, sweet Star Wars money. That resulted in shitty cinema being overrun with Star Wars ripoffs — some much better than others. At the bottom of the scale is something like Cosmos: War of the Planets, while today’s film, The Shape of Things to Come, is about as compelling a ripoff as shitty cinema managed to produce.

From 1979, The Shape of Things to Come is a loose adaptation of the H.G. Wells novel of the same name. It’s the future. After Earth was devasted by The Robot Wars, mankind settled on the moon and elsewhere. A drug called Radic-Q2 is vital to humanity’s continued survival, but the supply comes from a single planet called Delta 3. After a cargo ship from Delta 3 crashes into the capital city on the moon, New Washington, it is revealed that Delta 3, and all Radic-Q2 production, has been seized by the evil Omus (Jack Palance). We know that Omus is evil, not just because he was responsible for slamming a spaceship into a populated city, or that afterwards he holds an entire civilization hostage, but because he wears a cape. Everyone in this movie wears super-shiny futuristic space clothes, but only Omus accessorizes with a cape. It’s purple, too. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: The Shape of Things to Come”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Cyber Tracker 2, or, Century City Bullet Storm

Sometimes miracles do happen, and a shitty, straight-to-video movie finds enough success that it gets a sequel. If viewers of Cyber Tracker were left feeling a little wanting, if they felt like they needed more Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson and more stiff androids with bottomless gun magazines, then they needn’t have feared. Wilson, director and producer Richard Pepin, and producer Joseph Mehri felt this emptiness — this animalistic need for more shitty action — and goodness gracious they filled it. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Cyber Tracker 2, or, Century City Bullet Storm”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Silent Rage

Is it a slasher flick, or is it an action flick? Silent Rage, the 1982 Chuck Norris shitfest, hailing from his mustache era, is both. From director Michael Miller, Silent Rage sees Norris playing Sheriff Dan Stevens in some small Texas town. Stevens does his best to keep the town a nice, safe, and quiet place, but early on in the film tragedy strikes.

A disturbed man by the name of John Kirby (Brian Libby), suffers a psychotic break and butchers a middle-aged couple. Sheriff Stevens arrives on the scene to take Kirby down, and the fight ends with Kirby going down in a hail of gunfire. But that’s not the end of Kirby. Miraculously, he’s still breathing after being filled full of lead, and heroic efforts from Kirby’s doctors, Halman, Spires, and Vaughn (Ron Silver, 1970s and ’80s That Guy actor Steven Keats, and William Finley, respectively), save his life. Only, the good doctors cheated a bit. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Silent Rage”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Cyber Tracker

It’s the future! Sometime around 2015 or ’16. Professional kickboxing legend Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson plays Eric Phillips, the head of a Secret Service detachment guarding Senator Bob Dilly (John Aprea). Dilly, while not in Washington or running for reelection, has been working with mega-corporation Cybercore to develop the Computerized Justice System, whereby crimes are prosecuted by a computer, and swift justice is carried out by androids called ‘trackers.’ Should one be convicted of murder, a tracker will appear out of nowhere and carry out sentence. There’s nothing a person can do. No deals, no appeals. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Cyber Tracker”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Hot Rod Girl

Hot Rod Girl movie posterWe viewers have been cheated! A 1950s flick with the title of Hot Rod Girl brings to mind all sorts of possibilities. Fast cars! Loose women! Police chases! Crime! Mayhem! Et cetera! What it does not bring to mind is a traffic safety film, which is about all this shitty movie amounts to.

From 1956, Hot Rod Girl comes to us via American International Pictures, that paragon of b-cinema. It was directed by Leslie H. Martinson (who would later direct the Adam West Batman movie), from a screenplay by John McGreevey. Both Martinson and Greevey spent the vast majority of their careers working in television, and that helps to explain this film’s strong resemblance to an after school special.

Hot Rod Girl does not star Lori Nelson as hot rodder Lisa Vernon. Sure, she is in the movie playing a hot rodder named Lisa Vernon, but despite the promise of the title, and the first scene of the movie, Lisa is not the main character. We’ve been had. It’s a bait and switch. The real star of the movie is John Smith (yes, that is how he was billed) as Jeff Northrup. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Hot Rod Girl”

Shitty Movie Sundays: Death Machines

This shitty movie is so obscure that, as of this posting, it doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. That’s hard to believe. Usually if something exists, and more than a few dozen people know about it, it has a Wikipedia page. Far worse movies than this have Wikipedia pages. Far less hilarious shitty movies than this have Wikipedia pages. One of those free laborers they have slaving away over there should address this grievous oversight. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: Death Machines”

Empty Balcony: Mr. Majestyk, or, Charles Bronson is Charles Bronson in Charles Bronson: The Movie

All Vince Majestyk (Charles Bronson) wants to do is get his melons in. But, ole Vinnie has an insatiable need to antagonize everyone he meets, resulting in some very bad people wanting him very dead.

From 1974, Mr. Majestyk was directed by the prolific filmmaker Richard Fleischer, from a screenplay by none other than legendary crime novelist Elmore Leonard. It’s also just about the perfect Charles Bronson flick. Continue readingEmpty Balcony: Mr. Majestyk, or, Charles Bronson is Charles Bronson in Charles Bronson: The Movie”

Shitty Movie Sundays: The Killers Edge, aka Blood Money

What a gloriously stupid movie. The Killers Edge, from writer/director Joseph Mehri, has everything I’ve ever wanted out of a 1980s-90s-era straight-to-video action flick. A hunky leading man called from the lower depths of Hollywood, a screenplay that could double as a McBain sequence from The Simpsons, a soundtrack made by one guy with a synthesizer, and plenty of casual gunplay. Sure, fans of hoity-toity cinema will turn their noses up at such trash as this, but we shitty movie fans, we know better. There’s something they will never see in a film like The Killers Edge, and that’s their loss. Continue readingShitty Movie Sundays: The Killers Edge, aka Blood Money”

Empty Balcony: The 10th Victim, aka La decima vittima

The swinging ’60s have come to Missile Test, in the form of Italian/French production The 10th Victim. An absurdist bit of film whimsy from Italian director Elio Petri, The 10th Victim is notable for providing much of the inspiration for Mike Myers’s character Austin Powers. Indeed, one of the great gags in the first Austin Powers film, a bikini top that shoots bullets, was lifted from this film. Continue readingEmpty Balcony: The 10th Victim, aka La decima vittima”