October Horrorshow: As Above, So Below

As Above, So Below movie posterIt has begun! October is here. And with it comes the October Horrorshow here at Missile Test. All month long the site will be dedicated to horror film reviews. The good, the bad, the putrid — it doesn’t matter. As long as there’s blood, I’ll watch it. First up is some found footage.

Oh, no. Found footage? Again?! If I were emperor of the world, I would not ban found footage horror flicks outright, but I would require a special permit to make them. The only way to get such a permit would be through a personal interview with me. The only way to get a personal interview with me to discuss a found footage project would be to approach my palace as a supplicant...on hands and knees. From the moment prospective filmmakers land at the airport or arrive at the train station, or however they get into the city, they cannot be upright. They have to crawl all the way to my throne room. Then, as they grovel at my feet while addressing me using all my different names and titles, they must stretch out their left hand, so that my palace guard might lop off their pinky and present it to me as tribute. Then, and only then, will I even consider listening to a pitch for a found footage horror flick. But most important and most decisive, I think, for the filmmakers is this: if you make a found footage horror flick, I get gross points. I’m not Clooney. I’m not expecting 20 against 20, but there will be pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, fiduciary pain. These are the tolls I would exact from anyone looking to make a found footage horror flick. If they truly believe found footage is still the way to go after all that, then the filmmakers get my official imprimatur. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: As Above, So Below”

October Horrorshow: Willow Creek

Oh, no. Not another found footage horror flick featuring amateur filmmakers traipsing around the woods. A big part of me, bigger than I would like to admit, wishes that filmmakers would just stop with this nonsense. Found footage is a grossly overdone gimmick in horror films. Consequently, the bar for success has been raised so high that only the most talented of filmmakers can hope to produce a film that adds anything to this tired method of storytelling. So, sorry in advance, Bobcat, but I did not go into your film with the highest expectations. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Willow Creek”

October Horrorshow: The Blair Witch Project

The last time I saw this movie, before watching it for this review, was the night it opened at the Angelika on Houston St. in 1999. That was my first summer in New York City. I was young, poor, and my eyes still boggled at the sights of the big city. The future was so bright that I didn’t mind the cumulative petty annoyances that make living in a city a daily trial. I was hooked. I was in love. I didn’t mind that with the bright lights and creative people came a dastardly assault on the senses. The piercing screech of a 6 train entering Union Square was just a touch of realism, even as blood trickled from my ruptured ear drums. The sweltering summer heat cooking a bouquet of urine and dead fish from the city’s sidewalks was a small price to pay for urban dynamism. A strong scent is the mark of a people’s presence, and there can’t be a great city without lots and lots of people. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: The Blair Witch Project”

October Horrorshow: V/H/S

Oh, no! Found footage?! Why?! Whyyyyyyyyy??!!!!!

All histrionics aside, do filmmakers still make horror flicks that don’t use the found footage method? Because it feels like it’s been awhile since I’ve seen one. Is it really too much to ask that filmmakers show skill as storytellers rather than resort to gimmicks? It may be. But what happens when gimmick is combined with good storytelling? That’s just crazy talk, right? Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: V/H/S”

October Horrorshow: Trollhunter, or, The Troll Hunter…Whatever

Trollhunter movie posterI have to admit, I’m getting pretty sick of found footage horror films. The technique was unique for only a small handful of films, but it crossed into gimmick very quickly. I don’t seek out these films. To prepare for the October Horrorshow, a lot of times I’ll just grab whatever is currently popular for rent or whatever has made a splash in the last few years. This has led me to watch Quarantine, Grave Encounters, The Last Exorcism, Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18, Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead, The Tunnel, REC, many, many others, and now, Trollhunter.

These days, watching so many found footage horror flicks is a bit like being a connoisseur of fast food burgers. Sure, there are some good ones out there, but you have to shove down a whole lot of big macs and junior whoppers in your quest to find one. Flashes of grilled perfection are found in too few breaks in the normal routine of noxious, artery-clogging, commodity fare that does naught more than fill both bellies and graves. Real love and care are not just offset, but dominated by the work of hucksters who would prefer a person not think too much about how they are feeding both mind and body. Why would a person subject themselves to this? Dear reader, I do it for you. I do it...for you. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Trollhunter, or, The Troll Hunter...Whatever”

October Horrorshow: Paranormal Activity 3

Paranormal Activity 3 movie posterThe only way to kill a movie franchise is to look away. The business model of the film industry necessarily requires that films display a certain amount of histrionic personality disorder (after all, if it ain’t worth looking at, it ain’t gonna make money), but eventually all franchises end up wearing out their welcomes. Narcissism, egocentricity, etc.; a person could have a field day going through the DSM looking up conditions that apply to the film industry, but it all gets back to money.

The Paranormal Activity franchise is a cash machine of unheard of proportions in Hollywood. To date, budgetary expenditures of around thirteen million bucks have resulted in three-quarters of a billion dollars in box office receipts. Holy shit. That’s actually quite amazing. And as long as people keep showing a willingness to go see the same movie over and over again, Oren Peli and company would be fools to stop satisfying the desires of the moviegoing public.

None of this means the movies have to be any good, of course.

Paranormal Activity 3 is the most recent of the series that I’ve seen, and truth be told, there is little different about this film than the first two, and probably the fourth, as well, which I have not seen. Writing a review for this film is a bit of an exercise in futility. Like the film, it would be mostly interchangeable with any review of the earlier films. I could write a brief summary of characters and plot, but in considering doing so, I’m being confronted by a strange feeling of hopelessness. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Paranormal Activity 3″

October Horrorshow: Grave Encounters

Zombie flicks are my favorite horror film. Not only are they a subgenre of horror, they are a subgenre of post-apocalyptic fiction, which is a subgenre of sci-fi. That’s a lot of genre-ing going on. I like the post-apocalyptic stuff. Civilization on the brink or going down in a ring of fire. It’s fascinating. It gets the gears turning, but it’s not all that scary. That is, seeing society break down and enter a new dark age, no matter the cause (zombie horde, plague, nuclear war, etc.), is unsettling, but when I think of something being frightening in film, I’m not just talking existentially. I’m thinking of actually being scared of looking at the screen. For that, there’s nothing better than the first half of a ghost film. Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Grave Encounters”

October Horrorshow: Quarantine 2: Terminal & [•REC] 2

Quarantine 2: TerminalAnyone who has a fear of flying knows that it is not just the flight itself that causes anxiety. It’s not something that creeps up on a person in the line for security at the airport, or even back at home packing bags. It can begin weeks or even months before a person is supposed to step on a plane. It can begin at the mere thought that it might be time to plan a vacation, or with the realization that it’s been awhile since the last visit to the west coast office, and it’s only a matter of time before the boss shoves some airline tickets and an itinerary into a folder and puts it right on top of the inbox. Just the thought of flying can add an extra layer of tension to a person who hasn’t been on a plane in years, and has no intention of doing so.

After booking a flight, strange omens can be seen almost everywhere. Patterns emerge. One night there’s a dream of a plane crash, followed by an entire week of seeing plane crashes in movies, television shows, and on the news. It’s surprising just how often we see a plane crash, whether in fiction or in reality, if one really pays attention. Of course, reason battles constantly with such irrational, emotional considerations, and those of us who aren’t truly crippled with a phobia suck it up and fly when we have to, sometimes aided by some chemical bravery. After all, flying is the safest way to travel. What’s there to worry about? Continue readingOctober Horrorshow: Quarantine 2: Terminal & [•REC] 2″