October Horrorshow: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

Woe be to the viewer when a film series becomes tired. At first there was innovation, followed by repetition. Afterwards comes mediocrity, before, finally, the series descends into total and utter garbage. Such is the case with the last film in this year’s Horrorshow, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. From the opening scene through denouement, the sixth entry in the Halloween franchise is a tedious affair. So tedious, in fact, that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to pay enough attention to this movie to write about it. It was a close call. More than once while I was watching a text message would come in or I would want to look up a member of the cast or crew on the internet, and any deviation in my focus threatened to derail my comprehension of on screen events. How could I possibly write a review of this dog if I couldn’t remember what I just saw? I’ve stopped watching films after fifteen or twenty minutes and still written reviews, but the difference between those films and this one is that, although I only spent a short time with those films, I was able to keep my focus. Halloween 6 was a struggle from beginning to end.

Halloween 6 takes place some years after the events of the last film, which I will not bother recounting here. The last film’s hero, Jamie Lloyd (J.C. Brandy), now lives in an insane asylum, but that doesn’t stop her from becoming pregnant and giving birth in the basement. But, this isn’t exactly a sanitary locale. Rather, Jamie is being held captive by a cult that wants to sacrifice her baby to Michael Myers. I may be wrong about that, as my eyes were already rolling back into my head at this point, but there is definitely a death cult in this movie that worships Michael Myers. Jamie manages to escape with the baby, but it doesn’t take long for Michael to dispatch her.

Meanwhile, back in the fictional town of Haddonfield, Illinois, Halloween is fast approaching. It could be no other time of year, in fact. Michael Myers is an insane killer, but only around Halloween. I can only imagine that during the rest of the year he’s a mute puppy dog. Way back in the first film, the heroine of the flick, Laurie Strode, spent part of the movie babysitting a pair of kids. One of them, Tommy Doyle, is all grown up, now. He’s one of the few people in Haddonfield to have seen Michael Myers and lived. He’s since grown up a bit obsessed and creepy. Tommy is played by Paul Rudd, in a very early role, and while there is little indication in this film of the successful career Rudd would have, he does a decent job in his first outing. He plays Tommy as strange and unsettling, like a person with poor social skills. Inside they’re screaming for social acceptance, but outside things seem a little perverted. The fact a viewer’s first encounter with Tommy is when he’s spying on his neighbor does not bode well for the poor boy. That neighbor, by the way, happens to be another member of the Strode family, Kara (Janice Knickrehm). What an incestuous little movie we have.

Hey, remember the baby that Jamie had? It’s okay, I almost forgot about it, too. Jamie hid the lad before Michael could find him. Tommy shows up at the murder scene the next day and finds the baby in a cabinet underneath a bathroom sink. Let’s see...born in a basement surrounded by torches and new age Druids, mother murdered by a relentless killer, and left underneath the bathroom sink in a bus station. That’s not a good way to start a life.

Tommy and Kara spend the rest of the movie keeping the baby safe from Michael and the cultists. But remember, this is Michael Myers they’re going up against. They can run, but he will find them. Along the way, Michael makes sure to pile up a bunch of bodies. That’s more for the audience’s benefit. The plot for this thing is convoluted, but it’s still a slasher flick. The filmmakers would have been remiss if there wasn’t a whole lot of death scattered throughout. But, that convoluted plot is just too much. It was such a death knell for the franchise that the producers drove a dump truck full of money to Jamie Lee Curtis’s house, begging her to come back for a sequel. If any potential viewers wish to read about that movie, they will have to wait until next year.

As for this flick, the verdict is in. Even hardcore fans of the Halloween series should stay away from this movie. It’s a soul-sucking black hole that will rob a viewer of time they will never get back. If human lifespans were a thousand times longer, it would still not be worth the time it takes to watch this awful, awful movie. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, is a worse film than Alien: Resurrection. There’s an alternate cut of this thing floating around out there that’s supposedly better. I don’t care. I’m not watching it.